Giving Forgiveness

I think i have talked about forgiveness a time or two since i started this blogs a couple of years ago.  I have always had an issue with being able to all that forgiveness stuff. What can I say i'm a grudge holder if you crossed me once I will not give the opportunity to do ever again. I have been told plenty of times that forgiveness is good for the heart and the soul but never had an interest in it.

It must be the fact that I'm leaving my 20's this year and turning 30 that led to my first act of forgiveness.  Ages go I wrote about my ex Dog, long story short about him we had a rough relationship, he eventually had a baby with a chick who was suppose to my friend...correction 2 children with this girl, I continued to mess with him and one day I saw the light and ended it all.  Welp, even though things were crazy bad between us I never stopped thinking of him, wondered about him and inquired about him from his friends.  Alot of things in my life led me to forgiving him and I was now in the right zone in my life to do so.  I had long ago forgiven for the physically pain of things but never the emotional.  He doesn't know that because of some of the shit that went down between has left me kinda of unwilling to trust a man and has caused me to be so guarded due to him.

Now I don't want to feel you up with all the negative things about him and I because bad times came often but good ones was planted has well.  I can truly say that sex and loving him complicated man things but I can't think of time that he wasn't there for me and vice versa.  He made my most important milestones in my life truly special and was always there when it mattered the most.  He was great shoulder to cry on, had some of the best advice but we were young and dumb.  Anyway, with some advice I contacted him....*cues dramatic music* I was hella nervous and afraid all wrapped into one, I didn't know if I should be doing this but in all honestly I've missed him and I can't believe I'm saying that but I have and I continue to do so.  That first attempted of contact was successful and we have continued to talk from time to time........ummmmmm although everything is going well he recently told me that he was having a hard time accepting my forgiveness and being friends with me.  At first I was kinda of confused by the statement but I kinda sort of get his disdain.  Although he has confused alot of confusion and drama in my life trust and believe a chick like me has returned the favor in more way than one.  He is father now and lawd knows how much I don't  party with his BM I wouldn't want to do anything or come between his time with his children.   I guess that is kind of where my problem lies I guess i don't like giving him the power to decide how this goes. But instead of contesting it I 've decided that ill let him make the friendship call. I think call is gods plan and it could be for the best, I am a fixer and maybe if he makes the call I won't have to fix it all and then heal my wounds when it call comes crashing down. *sigh* I will confess and only to this blog that it did release a little weight off my shoulders but only because ...idk but i know that forgiving is someting new to me and will not be happening fro everybody