Love Is Pain

"Gotta open yourself up, how can you find the one if you push him away first"

I hate to admit it but she... Epitome is right...I always scream about How I want to find my one but I never give males the chance to prove themselves before I shut them down and push them away. I always use the excuse that I'm a loner and just wanna be alone but truth be told all of that is straight bullshit being alone is not my thing. I never give males to much of me, I never really let them get a chance to know the real me it leaves me to open . I wear an hard exterior to hide the soft side to myself.

I usually sabotage every relationship I am in, so my heart won't get hurt. I find myself finding the littlest things wrong with them and then...I cut them off. I cut all contact before my heart gets involved it spares me the pain. I can be in a world win love affair and as soon as I feel things getting to deep I flip the script on them and change into a whole new person so they will leave me be. I have by passed a many of good men because of my fear of getting hurt...Its didn't take long for me to realize what I had done and how it could never be fixed.

I have an ex who I can admit I did wrong I was young when the wrong doing was going on but it was after Dog and I was afraid of giving someone my all again....So I lied , cheated and pushed him away so he would just get tried of me and set me free. That he did and now years later which we are friends now I realized he could have been my one I think of him everyday and at one point of time i tried to work things out but the damage had already been done...now he's with someone else about to get married this summer. I guess I should have learned from that experience but I didn't. I just programmed myself to believe if it was meant to be he would have fought for me but in reality he did i just wouldn't give in. It didn't stop there and it was many more after him that I wish I could I go back on and get a do over but what is done is done I got to live with it. The fact of me may not being able to have children plays a big role in me keeping men in my life arms length away from me. I vowed that would never burden any man with that and I vowed that I would never let another man use that info against me like my ex did. I try my hardest not fall back into my same routine but each and every time I do, most recently with Phillay.

Oh Phillay I would have to say I take him through alot and he keeps coming back for more. I start pointless arguments, always speak with an attitude and find different reasons for him not to visit but Phillay never gives up on me. A part of me wants him to back down a say "fuck it" but the other sides is wanting him to stay...wanting myself to let my guard down and try something different. I guess he realizes that its more to than what I give him. For all that I have shared with him...they have always been the "safe things" , i never give him to much of me..I'm scarred he won't know what t do wit it. The last person I gave my all to found a way to take advantage of it and threw all of me back in my face. I try to protect from my heart from any type of pain, I tried to go into this things with Phillay on a different note but I just couldn't help myself.

Men and relationships have always been a sore experience and topic for me. I sit back watch some of the greatest relationships transpire and dream of having that one day. My sidewalk of relationships have not been to healthy at all most of them were bad ones that molded me into being the closed up person I'm today. I never again want to be so open and unaware that they control everything like Dog did. I'm not blaming him for all of that nasty relationship but I will say what we did is forever dented in my mind and heart and I never want that for me ever again in life. I'm scarred that one day I'll be so wrapped up in a person that I'll lose myself again and be left with that same unhealthy relationship I shared with Dog. And doing that again would break me....I stray away from relationships and commitment in fear that the person will see the real and true me and not like her at all. My fears of giving someone all of me can go on and on and on....Love and Pain come as a packet...I want the love but I don't want to sign up for the pain . I protect myself like linebackers protect the quarter back...i think...lol.