What I Hate About Me.....

I was in the bed last night up way to late watching the style network, when one of there new shows came on called "What I hate about me". It features women who come on and discuss and change the ten things they hate about themselves...from being to tall to not being able to bake a cake each shows features a different who want to change. As I watched this women muster up the courage to share her inner demons it made me wanna do the same and maybe like her sharing them will help me get over them....hopefully....and since most of you who read this minus a couple of ya'll don't really know me anyway so if you judge me...and if they do so what..

What I hate about me......

I learned the other day that one of my friends who admire for being so confident in herself was hiding behind it just like me. I carry myself with so much...flyness(which i know isn't a word). I hate the fact I hide behind my flyness. I don't want anyone to really know how i truly see myself so I let the world see the person I guess you can say I made myself up to be. I monitor my clothes closely and learned how to put make up on correctly to hide how I see myself. I figure if I can convince the world of me then I have jumped over the first hurdle.

I hate the fact I wear black all the time. Everyday black is somewhere in my outfit its rare that I swear color or expose myself to much. Black is my security blanket i have lead myself to believe that black is hiding all my flaws. It makes me look slimmer and that what the world to think that I'm smaller than what i really am because I hate the way from body looks. Black also hides the fact that I sweat alot*hides eyes* that just made me wanna throw up. I have had this problem most of my life so over the years I learned black hides it the best...

I hate the fact I never look at myself naked. I never walk pass a mirror naked...never never never do I do this ever. I hate the way I look naked! not sexy at all so I keep it to a minimal of seeing myself that way. If I do catch a mirror glimpse of myself I always wonder if the way I see myself is the same way men see me when I'm naked in front of them..see that just made me think about another thing I hate about me...

I hate the fact I can't have sex in the light. I try to stay away from having sex in the light. I will try my hardest to make sure if any type of sexual activity goes down it only goes down doing evening hours. I hate to see my body in a mirror so I hate for any man to see my body in awhole cause I'm not to comfortable with it. I have made up plenty of excuses to avoid having sex in the light :-/

I hate the fact I can't swim...I know I say this all the time but I kinda hate the fact that I don't know how to. So when I'm at the beach or pool everyone is swimming around and I am posted on the side trying to look cute. I wanna learn but I'm just not motivated enough to do it yet....maybe because I just keep making up excuses on way I can't....Like getting my hair wet is top of the list.

I hate the fact I'm to giving....my brother has been telling me all my life that I give people to much and in return get nothing back. recently I really realized that is truly is the case. I have the bad habit of always trying to please others without thinking of myself. I will give and give to a person until i have nothing left for them and usually they take advantage of this. From some of my closest friends to ex boyfriends I have had my share of people who have milked me dry but instead of my just cutting them off I proceed to still deal with them.

I hate the fact I'm a mean girl and I have been told that on more than one occasion. I portray myself so mean because I'm trying to hide myself which co insides with carrying myself with so much flyness. I never want people to see me for the person I'm really am. I feel if I keep all this going no one will ever know what my weaknesses are...I'm afraid of rejection and being hurt. I learned over the years that being a mean girl is the best way to protect myself from the world.

I hate the fact I can't sleep at night. No matter how tired I am or how much sleep I got the night before I just can't sleep at night. I have tried everything under the sun to ease myself into sleep but nothing has really worked. This started two years ago and has been holding on strong ever since. So on a average I only get maybe 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night.

I hate the fact I'm afraid of the dark!...*I'll wit while you laugh*....I don't have to sleep in the light I just don't like complete darkness I need a lil sleep t shine through. Which is funny because I still pull the blanket over my head..I guess that defeats the whole purpose of the light but its just how my randomness works.

I hate the fact I let me people talk me into shit i just don't wanna do. take it anyway u want but I hate when I let people run the guilt trip on me to get me a place or doing something i don't wanna do. I have sat in alot of functions and did things i absolutely didn't want to do or be. smh....I could write a list of all the shit i didn't but didn't want to from attending parties of people I can't stand to attend seminars that had nothing to do with me i have sat through them all.

So there they are...the things I hate about myself.....