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I had to flip the calendar at my desk over and take the date off of my phone just so I could relax a little and try to keep this strong act going until i get home. Saturday I realized that the anniversary of that day was slowly approaching and it made me sick to my stomach..I lied and told my friends and family that it was the food I ate but it was all the sorrow and pain making things complicated. I still feel that same pain I felt almost 3 years ago when it all happened, i still remember everything about that day, where I was, what I was doing, who broke the news to me and the long days and nights that came after that. I never wore the outfit I was in the night he passed away..i never dyed my hair that color again nor do I wear that jewelry anymore it all had that night of tears attached to it. just when I think time has healed my wounds October comes along and makes it all clear to me once again. October use to be my favorite month not too hot not too cold, Halloween and all the Homecomings all the excitment but now I just wish we could skip right over it like it never happened, even if that did it happen it wouldn't bring him back nor would it ease the butterflies that have made home in my stomach. I know he is kind of disappointed in me and how I handled this situation i sure he wouldn't want the tears or the sadness but when you lose someone so close to you its kind of sad to move on.....
Monday, October 4, 2010
I've been sitting at my desk all morning long doing nothing..... I have plenty of things to do but my focus just isn't here. I haven't really been able to focus on anything since the of the month hit. I knew this day would come..this month would come...this week would come but I have just been pushing it to the back of my mind. I've been trying to keep myself so very busy with just anything so I wouldn't have to time to think or deal with it. I glanced that the calendar on Saturday and it made me literally sick to my stomach to see that October 5th was itching up, the the anniversary of one of the longest and saddest days of my life. I thought that time heals all wounds to point it has brought my scar to a clear but I anticipate that day and dread it all year long. I still remember everything about that moment, about that week, about it all...I thought that time would drown it out of my thoughts but i guess its just one of those things that your mind and body won't let go of.
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4 comments:
Ok, I cried all the way through this one. Before you said why this day was hard, I already knew. I have had three very close to me die in all different ways. I still feel the same way....My brother passed in 1997, my best friend passsed in 1996 and the man I would have married that was practually family was shot in 1998...those were the worst three years of my life...It still hurts and has never gotten any easier
i'm sorry. not that i've had an experience like yours, but i have those kinda days i dread. that bring up those memories that i try to forget. and like you i remember everything about it, surrounding it, everyone involved. and it's one of those things that after a while, ppl seem to forget and you just suffer through it alone. you just have one of those "it's something i ate.." when folks hear your shaky voice. and you lie and say it's nothing..when it's really something big for you.
i know. how you feel, and i pray that your day eases as the hours go by.
@jstar..I'm so sorry for your loss. this has been the hardest 3 years of my life but at least I know he is staring down on me proud of what i have accomplished.
@Tha unprententious I want you to know that as soon i read this it brought me to tears not sad tears but those of confront! oh ATL we need to get back to fighting asap
I had the hardest time trying to comment on this post as I know this pain. I pray comfort and peace for you. Dont ever worry about crying - crying is healhty and God gave us tears to cleanse and after all he wept.
Smooches and Hugs sis.
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