Reflection

I’ve learned a lot about myself these last couple of months.  First thing I realized is that Im a fixer,  I’m always trying to fix someone.  Yeah I know you can help nobody change but that is just me.  Its one of many flaws that I don’t know how to change that. I also seek men out who remind me of Ro, My relationship with him was great and I thought that I was done in life he was who I was going to marry.  He passed away and I was left with this feeling that I try to find in every man I get involved with.  Iknow I’m denying myself of true happiness but I guess I was the happiest with him and just want that feeling back.  I find myself looking for me who I know things will never work out with unless I put in great effort.  I know that I do this to protect myself, my heart, my life and everything in between.  Being heartbroken is apart of life I just don’t want it.  I love hard and strong when I do, so when it ends it takes me down.  I’m good at holding together just because I don’t like to seem weak but in all reality I’m a sweet bitch so to speak.  I’ll definitely come at you no holds bar but when its all over and I have made my point I’m left to pick up the pieces and my heart takes time to recover.   I find myself healing my wounds often by myself because I give each relationship my all, I never want anyone to think I have half ass’d anything.  Often I overlook who people really are when they show me, I take heed but spend my time trying to figure out a way to look past it or find something else that is great about them. Oh we get along so great and laugh tons but that dude is disrespectful. I make up excuses for things that should be deal breakers.  Part of me thinks I fear being alone, with no husband or kids or maybe its just who I am.  All in all I’ve learned these things and it answers so many questions about a lot of things that goes on in my life. Believe me its one of the hardest things to do is let go of all you know to be something different but its work a try.