I've Messed Up

I think he is waiting for her to come back..matter of fact I know he waiting for her to come back...his ex girlfriend the one he spent 7 years with, the woman he thought he would marry, live the american dream with. Yep, her. I guess I should feel some type of way for being technically his after thought. His heart belongs to her and if she comes calling he would run back without taking me into consideration.  When we are together it works...when we are apart it still works. If he asked me for my heart I would give it to him but I know that he is holding out for her return. It hurts to be his after thought because he is my first choice first thought in the morning. Our situation comes with plenty of complications besides his ex girlfriend. .I shouldn't be seeing him, I never intended to fall so deep with him. It was suppose to be a hit it and quit it cuz if some people knew of us world war III would be in order but here I am. Laying next to the forbidden fruit...wondering how I got here...why was I here.. cuz he will never be fully mine at all. He reassures me often that the ex has been long out of his system but I know better. Out of your system but you just ran to the groomers to pick up her dog..sure out of your system who is he trying to convince me or himself.  

He said to me once I hate sharing you with whomever else you seeing. I just looked him because I share him with her and whomever else he is seeing.  Our situation is like when u put a car in park and press the gas.. the engine just roars and roars but goes nowhere..thats us. I watch him press the gas and nothing we are still just here. I know he cant give me all of him cuz what would he have left for her. What would he give her....

So I lay here with him...watching him sleep and wonder how did I get here...why can't I shake him? Will he ever be mine? Lord just send me a sign!

......thoughts from my sheets....

Side Chick or Nah?

So I am a side chick *clutches pearls* I know I am just as shocked as you are. I didn't realize it until today while having a convo with one of friends about the actions of a guy I am seeing. Lets just call him...Kappa. Smh..I have been seeing Kappa since march I met him via a dating website and for the most part he great but like every man he is stupid...smh..yhe first thing I notice about him is his phone..it's always getting answered.  Now maybe he missed the lesson on entertaing a female and giving her ur u divided attention...yeah once he got comfortable so did the phone. Now I took heed of that but decided to move past it. Lets fast forward shall we. Now maybe 2 months ago Kappa and I were getting ready to go I stood in his bedroom at the mirror over top his dresser and curled my hair....the. I drop my comb I look down to grab and saw that my comb had landed on some earrings...*straight face* ok ok ok granted we are both seeing other people but damn sir..u gotta respect others!! Of course I bring it to his attention and he played the situation to the left. Granted I don't trip but it was mentally noted! ...fast forward a lil bit more once again im at his house and look on the coffee table and there was chicks sunglasses..smh..he was treading light but I aint the type to trip too much so we address it move on..until this week. I hadn't seen Kappa in awhile because we both have crazy schedules but since I'm unemployed. I go over there everything is great..we laugh..joke..cuddle up to watch the game and I stay the night. I get up in the middle of the night to pee...I sit down look up and well well well what do I see...shower gel but not just any shower gel vagisil. Now we all know that aint for him. Now I aint shake him out of sleep like everything told me to I laid back down and never mentioned one word of it. So today while telling this same story it dawned on me....girlla u are a side chick!!! Like a real life side chick because clearly he has a maim chick and it aint me!!! She leaving all her belongings behind and me shiiiittt I take everything I came with when I leave. Like is there a side chick hand book I should be reading cuz I aint got no clue how to play that position at all!!!! Matter of fact side chick is not even a good color on me...

Forbidden Fruit

I knew the moment I met him, that I should not be seeing him at all.  There was something about him I just had to have.  He was intriguing, funny and at times charming, he wanted to be in my presence often..the first couple weeks of entertaining him were great.  Movies, Dinner at places that I couldn't afford and nights full of laughs and cuddling, but he was my secret..my huge secret.  Not many people were brought into who he really was or how if some knew about our courtship it would be world war III.  So I mad sure that our secret never leaked out.  He had memorized with all he came with but a part of me knew that at any given moment that he could and would turn on me and it all would be over.  I went against everything I stood for the moment I involved myself with him but the forbidden fruit tasted sooo good.  He was actually what I could see myself with..on paper he looked great..good job..no kids..fly...funny and money was never a problem but he was the problem. He came with so much..so many instructions so much drama.  he made it clear what he needed from me and what he didn't want to do and even with all that I still was on board with him.  All these "rules" he set upon me were all broken by him from not speaking to each other every day to him spending the night I watched him break each and everyone of them and me..well I just played the cards he handed me.  I caught him a time or two watching me sleep and sneak forehead kisses when he thought I was in a deep sleep.  Even with all these charming things going on I was always waiting for the moment this shit would end and he would turn on me. He actually surprised me how fast he switched up on me, we went from laughing one weekend to acting like we didn't know each other existed the following weekend.  He called me out the blue one friday afternoon and i couldn't even follow what he was saying to me at the time but when it was over he ended it all..ended it over something so lets say foolish.  I had been prewarned about this moment was told it was going to happen and when it does it was going to take you buy surprise because that is what he does.  He was in too deep and had to pull out I assume and thats what he did.  The hardest part of it all was not being able to share my sad feeling with my friends because our relationship was a secret and if it got out it would ruin my friendship with a friend or two. That forbidden fruit should have never been bitten, should have never been embraced because I gotta get him out of system..out of thoughts...out of my what if's

How Did We Get Here?

So I havent blogged in a lonv time. My life is pretty boring and is full of work and school....and I hate my job!! I am trying to do better...way better and blog once a month but it is a consistent struggle. Let me see where I should start with what has been going on.

I dont if I shared it before but let me share it again, lil Richmond and I broke up. This was hard hard thing for me because I was in love well at least I thought I was. He basically woke up one day called me angry and I said I dont wanna do this no more..he didnt want more kids..a wife..the white pickett fence or dog. It crushed me..I was confused and sad for a long period of time. Deep down inside I wanted to scream dont do this I love you but I got too much pride for that. Needless to say I moved on..we dont speak and that is for the best. I have seen a couple of men since them but only two have made me so omg I like him! One still lingers around he is a wonderful person I just know it aint going nowhere. The second *sigh* well lets say he played me well.. Very well. One minute everything is great I am in his city with him having fun laughing jokin flirting attending his dj events with him and the next minute he is on ig flexin IG hash tagging a pic of him and a chick with #mylady. His time around here borrowed and payback for him will be sweet *shrugs*

I had an old male friend return into my life...he came around at one of my lowesf points in my life. Unknown to many I have battled depression and off for a couple of years and his return was around the time my depression was at its highest point. He was there to provide support while I sorted things out. I thank for him that. I didnt want to or rather I have been fighting for years but I definitely like him far more than I thought I did. He walks I to a room my stomach gets butterflies...I see his name pop up on my phone I smile BUT...I know him and I will never be...for a list of reasons...it is hard to I like someone much more than they know. It kinda saddens me what I guess so is life.  I have officially given up on love and meeting someone great. ..I know I shouldnt but hey im over it all. I dont know how I got here nobody is suppose to be here but I am

Giving Forgiveness

I think i have talked about forgiveness a time or two since i started this blogs a couple of years ago.  I have always had an issue with being able to all that forgiveness stuff. What can I say i'm a grudge holder if you crossed me once I will not give the opportunity to do ever again. I have been told plenty of times that forgiveness is good for the heart and the soul but never had an interest in it.

It must be the fact that I'm leaving my 20's this year and turning 30 that led to my first act of forgiveness.  Ages go I wrote about my ex Dog, long story short about him we had a rough relationship, he eventually had a baby with a chick who was suppose to my friend...correction 2 children with this girl, I continued to mess with him and one day I saw the light and ended it all.  Welp, even though things were crazy bad between us I never stopped thinking of him, wondered about him and inquired about him from his friends.  Alot of things in my life led me to forgiving him and I was now in the right zone in my life to do so.  I had long ago forgiven for the physically pain of things but never the emotional.  He doesn't know that because of some of the shit that went down between has left me kinda of unwilling to trust a man and has caused me to be so guarded due to him.

Now I don't want to feel you up with all the negative things about him and I because bad times came often but good ones was planted has well.  I can truly say that sex and loving him complicated man things but I can't think of time that he wasn't there for me and vice versa.  He made my most important milestones in my life truly special and was always there when it mattered the most.  He was great shoulder to cry on, had some of the best advice but we were young and dumb.  Anyway, with some advice I contacted him....*cues dramatic music* I was hella nervous and afraid all wrapped into one, I didn't know if I should be doing this but in all honestly I've missed him and I can't believe I'm saying that but I have and I continue to do so.  That first attempted of contact was successful and we have continued to talk from time to time........ummmmmm although everything is going well he recently told me that he was having a hard time accepting my forgiveness and being friends with me.  At first I was kinda of confused by the statement but I kinda sort of get his disdain.  Although he has confused alot of confusion and drama in my life trust and believe a chick like me has returned the favor in more way than one.  He is father now and lawd knows how much I don't  party with his BM I wouldn't want to do anything or come between his time with his children.   I guess that is kind of where my problem lies I guess i don't like giving him the power to decide how this goes. But instead of contesting it I 've decided that ill let him make the friendship call. I think call is gods plan and it could be for the best, I am a fixer and maybe if he makes the call I won't have to fix it all and then heal my wounds when it call comes crashing down. *sigh* I will confess and only to this blog that it did release a little weight off my shoulders but only because ...idk but i know that forgiving is someting new to me and will not be happening fro everybody

Reflection

I’ve learned a lot about myself these last couple of months.  First thing I realized is that Im a fixer,  I’m always trying to fix someone.  Yeah I know you can help nobody change but that is just me.  Its one of many flaws that I don’t know how to change that. I also seek men out who remind me of Ro, My relationship with him was great and I thought that I was done in life he was who I was going to marry.  He passed away and I was left with this feeling that I try to find in every man I get involved with.  Iknow I’m denying myself of true happiness but I guess I was the happiest with him and just want that feeling back.  I find myself looking for me who I know things will never work out with unless I put in great effort.  I know that I do this to protect myself, my heart, my life and everything in between.  Being heartbroken is apart of life I just don’t want it.  I love hard and strong when I do, so when it ends it takes me down.  I’m good at holding together just because I don’t like to seem weak but in all reality I’m a sweet bitch so to speak.  I’ll definitely come at you no holds bar but when its all over and I have made my point I’m left to pick up the pieces and my heart takes time to recover.   I find myself healing my wounds often by myself because I give each relationship my all, I never want anyone to think I have half ass’d anything.  Often I overlook who people really are when they show me, I take heed but spend my time trying to figure out a way to look past it or find something else that is great about them. Oh we get along so great and laugh tons but that dude is disrespectful. I make up excuses for things that should be deal breakers.  Part of me thinks I fear being alone, with no husband or kids or maybe its just who I am.  All in all I’ve learned these things and it answers so many questions about a lot of things that goes on in my life. Believe me its one of the hardest things to do is let go of all you know to be something different but its work a try.

I'm Bizack!!!

*peeks in*

Wow, It has been a super lonnnnnng time since I have enter this place and blogged.  The break was greatly needed but I have certainly missed this place....and of course I have  missed some of my fave blogs *waves*.  I see alot of things have changed since last August..smh...Well i know I can't commit to blogging weekly so lets see if I can knock one out a month..matter of fact i know I can, it was part of my new years resolution to blog once again so here I am.  Oh yeah, you c guys can go with me on my online dating journey and adventures..lol...before you even ask...*shrugs* matter of fact don't ask.

So stay posted for the wild things I'm sure that are about to happen with this online dating, I'm going to start off with POF(Plenty of Fish) and depending on how that goes i'll jump myself into match.com or something.............


I will admit I'm little scared about the ordeal cuz i'm a strong believer of not getting kidnapped or murder...............lets see how this thing goes.......