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Someone posed the question to me today do I feel like I'm heartless? and it made me think..maybe I am a little heartless and cold at time but its a lot of past things that brought me to that. Over the weekend I lost one of my friends in a car accident, who also was friends with my Ex Worthless who I have no words..... nothing. So when he called me to tell me this news I felt nothing for him. I have no tears for worthless even though I know how hurt he was...no grief came out for him. I felt numb about the situation with him.Now before u judge me and say...oh Sunshine I can't believe you, that man just lost his best friend let me say this....Two years ago I to lost my best friend in a car accident and was hurt beyond words and He told me in so many word, people die all the time suck it up and get over it...okay...so that was strike one.....Strike two came soon after that when his drunk ass looked me dead in my eyes and Said he was Happy that Ro had died in that accident and it was one less dude he had to worry about....on top of some other hurtful shit, i washed my hands of him and feel nothing for him. I mean its to the point that if he was on fire I wouldn't pee on him to put him out..I just feel nothing for this man.
I kind of felt like an heartless bitch for acting the way i did when he told me about the death. I even cried because i felt like maybe i should have been much more sad for him especially since I know what its like to lose someone you are so close to. After talking to Epitome,Khaki, Phillay, and Redz...I know alot of people right they all helped me realize I can't help how i feel and I had the right to feel that way.
Then the question was asked of me If I feel I am heartless and I would have to say..I am just a little bit. I do keep my heart very well protected and sometimes fell nothing for more than one reason. My ex Redz did say to me the other day that "girl u are so hard on men its crazy!" and He would be right I do keep men at arms length away from me and I tend to keep my heart locked away from them. I know I need to work on this but i have been through alot in my past relationships..The major one with Dog so I have taught myself to love slow and far in between. I watched dog pry on my weakness and i vowed after him that would never happen again so I'm extra hard on the men in my life. The funny thing is if any of them would ever last long enough they would find out that I'm a softy at heart...Shut up Angie and Ro...I know ya'llknow first hand that I'm soft...lol..I cry at a drop of dime and love girly things but I never let too many men know that, I don't want them to mistake my kindness for weakness. There only a few men who I'm me around...they are the only ones who know I ain't shit...They have seen me at my best and worst but still love me...Shout out to Redz, Bird and Ty for putting up with me...yall the best. Plus i will confess I'm not a very friendly girl. When people first meet me they usually can't stand me and I'm okay with that. I think some of that is me just me being me. I usually don't do well with new people I got to feel u out before i can love or hate you.. And if you wanna call that heartless than cool...It is what it is...I once thought about changing my attitude but I realized that would mean changing myself and I love me as a whole so I refuse to change me to help people better like and understand me. If you don't get who I am then...I think i might have used the wrong one Epitome...I'm sorry...so be it maybe its just not meant for us to be friends and what not. So if heartless is what I am, than I will wear it like an badge of honor with much proud!...Sorry?
6 comments:
*zippens lips*
its easier to be heartless at times, don't grow into a bitter old woman though
*kanye voice* How could you be so heartless...(heartless) LOL! At times, I also feel a lil icebox where my heart is supposed to be but then I have to keep reminding myself that I can't be cold towards EVERYONE...even though some people dammit deserve it! But actually underneath all this ice is someone warm!
You don't have to change who YOU are though. You weren't made to please everyone.
I have been on this, do we really know the people we read blogs about tip right now. So I am going to take that into consideration right now. However from what I read, I don't believe you are heartless person. I believe you have started to become a product of what your past relationships manufactured in you. I think are experiences whether good or bad, help sculpt us and helps to teach us, for our future. I think you should learn from those past relationships, but I think the problem here is you let those past relationships change who you are.
Now I personally don't agree, with exactly the way you handled that situation with the ex, telling you about his best friend dying, however...yes, however I completely understand. I have been there, where no matter what you can't shake your anger and your hatred...hmm well I don't like hatred, because you shouldn't hate...so how about complete dislike for someone. I have been there too. Where that ice is in my veins for someone. That doesn't make it right though. There comes a time where you have to let things go. I think it takes a lot more energy to be unforgiving that it is to forgive. I'm not saying to forget though, just forgive or be the better person.
I think, this was your chance to be the bigger person. You basically stooped down to Worthless' level. This was your chance to show him the difference between him and you, when it comes to almost the exact situation.
Think about it like this. Think about if you were sympathetic, because you have been there in that situation, in loosing a friend in that way. You were sympathetic and an ear for him to talk to. You handle the situation complete different from how he did. Make him feel the guilt of how he should have treated you, when you were in that situation. Now some people are void of seeing themselves and how they treat others. This is however when you have to show them the difference. Whether later on its..."See how I didn't say hurtful things to you, when this happen, like you did to me years ago. See how you should have been a good person, but you weren't. I didn't want to hurt you like you hurt me no matter what was in my heart...and so on and so on." Guilt my friend can be wonder, when used right!
Now back to whether you are heartless. I don't think so, for one reason. If you were heartless, than you wouldn't have cried about what you did after he called. Now your crying could have been a combination of the loss of the person and the way you treated Worthless, but if you were crying because of the way you were cold to Worthless, that means you are not heartless.
You acted the way you thought you should act towards him. However your heart, which you have, felt differently, which made you cry. It knew that is not the way you wanted to act, but you acted the way you THOUGHT you should act.
I don't know you and I don't know all of what you have been through. I think some people are born the way they are, and some people let others change them to who they are, whether good or bad.
I just want you to think on this...what if someone ot some people in Worthless life, changed him to be the worthless man he is now?
Would you want to end up being some person who isn't the real you, because you let someoen like Worthless change you?
I got much more to say on this but this comment is long enough....sorry!
When writing my comment there was two songs that kept running through my head...one was Erykah Badu's Bag Lady and a song by City High. I couldn't think about the name or the lyrics, but it kept ringing in my head as I was typing. I had to go through my music collection a literealy wipe the dust of it, and find which song I was talking about. It's called "Cat and Dogs." It about how a guy is a dog or the man he is now, because of what a girl did to him, and made him a dog. The girl in the song is singing about how what he did to her, changed her for the worse, and she is probably goign to do the same to the the next guy. Just like Sorta what I was talking about.
It feels like it's your story.
Sunshine hunni, everyone has a story and I try to remember that in my daily interactions with people, that their anger, hurt, snippyness or distance doesn't have anything to do with the people they interact with daily but the people from their past. I say that to say continue to be you but realize that there are people, even men, that have your best interest at heart and can love you if they let them, BUT continue to be you because when it is necessary for you to come aroud you will and not even realize it.
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