A Bond We Don't Share #29

Its no secret that my mother and I don't have the best relationship matter of fact our relationship is on edge right now as I type this. My Older sister Kei has always been the apple of my mothers eye and no matter hard she tries to deny it she has made it oh so clear over the years. Even has a child my mother was much more motherly with her than me, she would always include her in things and leave me out. Because my mother's favorite child was her our sisterly relationship was long and rough. It wasn't until probably m early twenties that Kei and I Became close my mother had drawn a ocean between us. Growing up my friends thought it was wonderful that my mother wasn't always on my back she usually just let me do whatever they thought i had the best situation ever. Staying out late at night, coming and going as I pleased all the best of the best stuff but in reality that was not what I really wanted from her. I was jealous of them for having the full force mothers all up in your face and on your back type of mother. I always wanted the kind of mother I could talk to about anything and everything..the one that we did things together but I never got that and still don't have it. Our relationship is kind of a hard one to explain...Sometimes we get along great and the next morning I'm avoiding her phone calls and rolling my eyes when I have no choice but to pick up. I watch my mother and sister interact with each other and I become jealous very jealous they just have the best mother daughter bond and I play the outsider. When I told my mother recently that i was going back to school she acted so uninterested in it just said "oh? who is going to pay for that?" and When my sister had her baby shower 2 years ago my mother included me in NOTHING....She sent me an invitation and that was it. I hate the way she talks to me and she hates the way I talk to her. On more than on occasion we had to be separated at family functions for my mother downing me and my choices in life. I don't think she realize how it was and continues to be for me to grow up in my sister's shadow. Kei has always done everything right and like i heard my mother say one day on the phone to her friend Sunshine just does everything wrong...yeah that wasn't such a great moment for us. I tried to right our relationship several different times but it was like she didn't want to have anything to do with it at all. Because my mother and I are so distant it made a stronger bond for my brother and I plus my god mother and I. I lean and depend on the both of them to give me what I feel like my mother and I are lacking. Its funny I talk about the great relationship my brother and I have but he also has n wonderful relationship with my mother so I guess its just me she just doesn't understand. I live for the dyad my brother is here in MD and cry when his stay is over its hard knowing that once he's gone my support from him will be so far away. My gos mother has always been full force in my life...everything she could do to be around she did it. Every honor i received, school play, cheerleading competition my God mother sat right there next my mother who did show up to these events to be the part of my mother which was missing. I wonder if my mother even notices that our relationship is slim to none or even cares...