I've Messed Up

I think he is waiting for her to come back..matter of fact I know he waiting for her to come back...his ex girlfriend the one he spent 7 years with, the woman he thought he would marry, live the american dream with. Yep, her. I guess I should feel some type of way for being technically his after thought. His heart belongs to her and if she comes calling he would run back without taking me into consideration.  When we are together it works...when we are apart it still works. If he asked me for my heart I would give it to him but I know that he is holding out for her return. It hurts to be his after thought because he is my first choice first thought in the morning. Our situation comes with plenty of complications besides his ex girlfriend. .I shouldn't be seeing him, I never intended to fall so deep with him. It was suppose to be a hit it and quit it cuz if some people knew of us world war III would be in order but here I am. Laying next to the forbidden fruit...wondering how I got here...why was I here.. cuz he will never be fully mine at all. He reassures me often that the ex has been long out of his system but I know better. Out of your system but you just ran to the groomers to pick up her dog..sure out of your system who is he trying to convince me or himself.  

He said to me once I hate sharing you with whomever else you seeing. I just looked him because I share him with her and whomever else he is seeing.  Our situation is like when u put a car in park and press the gas.. the engine just roars and roars but goes nowhere..thats us. I watch him press the gas and nothing we are still just here. I know he cant give me all of him cuz what would he have left for her. What would he give her....

So I lay here with him...watching him sleep and wonder how did I get here...why can't I shake him? Will he ever be mine? Lord just send me a sign!

......thoughts from my sheets....