Afternoon Delight.....

I Don't care what nobody say I'm in love with this man...

Tyrese

He has come a long way from singing in the back of the bus..

Love Is Pain

"Gotta open yourself up, how can you find the one if you push him away first"

I hate to admit it but she... Epitome is right...I always scream about How I want to find my one but I never give males the chance to prove themselves before I shut them down and push them away. I always use the excuse that I'm a loner and just wanna be alone but truth be told all of that is straight bullshit being alone is not my thing. I never give males to much of me, I never really let them get a chance to know the real me it leaves me to open . I wear an hard exterior to hide the soft side to myself.

I usually sabotage every relationship I am in, so my heart won't get hurt. I find myself finding the littlest things wrong with them and then...I cut them off. I cut all contact before my heart gets involved it spares me the pain. I can be in a world win love affair and as soon as I feel things getting to deep I flip the script on them and change into a whole new person so they will leave me be. I have by passed a many of good men because of my fear of getting hurt...Its didn't take long for me to realize what I had done and how it could never be fixed.

I have an ex who I can admit I did wrong I was young when the wrong doing was going on but it was after Dog and I was afraid of giving someone my all again....So I lied , cheated and pushed him away so he would just get tried of me and set me free. That he did and now years later which we are friends now I realized he could have been my one I think of him everyday and at one point of time i tried to work things out but the damage had already been done...now he's with someone else about to get married this summer. I guess I should have learned from that experience but I didn't. I just programmed myself to believe if it was meant to be he would have fought for me but in reality he did i just wouldn't give in. It didn't stop there and it was many more after him that I wish I could I go back on and get a do over but what is done is done I got to live with it. The fact of me may not being able to have children plays a big role in me keeping men in my life arms length away from me. I vowed that would never burden any man with that and I vowed that I would never let another man use that info against me like my ex did. I try my hardest not fall back into my same routine but each and every time I do, most recently with Phillay.

Oh Phillay I would have to say I take him through alot and he keeps coming back for more. I start pointless arguments, always speak with an attitude and find different reasons for him not to visit but Phillay never gives up on me. A part of me wants him to back down a say "fuck it" but the other sides is wanting him to stay...wanting myself to let my guard down and try something different. I guess he realizes that its more to than what I give him. For all that I have shared with him...they have always been the "safe things" , i never give him to much of me..I'm scarred he won't know what t do wit it. The last person I gave my all to found a way to take advantage of it and threw all of me back in my face. I try to protect from my heart from any type of pain, I tried to go into this things with Phillay on a different note but I just couldn't help myself.

Men and relationships have always been a sore experience and topic for me. I sit back watch some of the greatest relationships transpire and dream of having that one day. My sidewalk of relationships have not been to healthy at all most of them were bad ones that molded me into being the closed up person I'm today. I never again want to be so open and unaware that they control everything like Dog did. I'm not blaming him for all of that nasty relationship but I will say what we did is forever dented in my mind and heart and I never want that for me ever again in life. I'm scarred that one day I'll be so wrapped up in a person that I'll lose myself again and be left with that same unhealthy relationship I shared with Dog. And doing that again would break me....I stray away from relationships and commitment in fear that the person will see the real and true me and not like her at all. My fears of giving someone all of me can go on and on and on....Love and Pain come as a packet...I want the love but I don't want to sign up for the pain . I protect myself like linebackers protect the quarter back...i think...lol.

Cuz It Was Time

Today and Yesterday I got to catch up on some of my favorite blogs because I surly have been slacking on that department...sorry? Real Life has been filled with much much activity...see I didn't even say drama just ALOT from the males in my life to just random stuff i see just to much for me to take a break and catch up on my blog fam.

I just wanted to share some of my favorite blogs with ya'll and encourage yo to take a look at them...They keep laughing, crying, and entertained and I have decided to share my secrets with ya'll

Beauty In Rare Form... I love the fact she is always thinking so far out the box. She opens my eyes to alot of things that I would have not thought twice about.

Truth On The Rocks! No Chaser... So I love her to death! !. She's only 19yrs old but is much wiser beyond her years and 2. She reminds me of myself when i was her age...I wasn't your typically 19 year old female and neither is she. My fave part of her blog..her Love Chronicles!! They are the best!!

I am tha unpretentious narcissist.... I love his blog because he is one of the few males who has a blog were he actually writes something not just randomness on a daily basis. I love reading about thing from a males view it gives me insight into some of the things they are thinking....

Life and times of a triflin chick....The names says it all do I even need to explain it anymore than that!! lol...She keeps it real and cut throat...that's what we all need sometimes.

Mizz Scoop!... She keeps me updated on some the entertainment gossip and style plus we both are in love with the same man... RAY ALLEN!! don't judge us!

Starrla Monae....She is my partner with the tears we shed...cuz we shed them alot. Anyone who can appreciate my crying and my love for trashy T.V is the best ever and you need to read her asap.

The Grey Areas....He always has some deep blog going on that makes you think about some of your actions and that of others. I get excited every time he post something.

The list can go on and on but these just a few that I check on everyday. One thing I do notice when I'm blog surfin' is how some people write about the exact thing as another blogger they are following and show them no credit for it. True, we all probably think on the similar path and we have opinions on some of the same topisc but if your blog was inspired by someone else at the least you can do is show them the credit they deserve for paving the path for you to speak on the same thing. Now this is something i see alot I once wrote a blog about the walk of shame and I viewed another blogs I saw her walk of shame story...cool...but did she really use the exact picture as me? and showed me no credit for it at all? yep she did....rude...If you going to write a blog about the same topic as others and take the time out to even use the same pics u should at least acknowledge that...and if you reading this and getting upset about it...I'm probably talking to you! and a guilty conscience usually gets upset when they wrong....sorry?

Becuz Cupid Hit Him....

I happened to glance at my calendar last night and saw the Valentine's Day was fast approuching...booooooooooooo....I have no boo, no plans so it shall just be another day for me beside my Daddy giving me cards and flowers nothing special will be going down *sigh* and like clock work my cousin Danny calls yesterday to ask me for creative and out the box ideas for things to do for his Girlfriend for valentine's day *sobs* being the loving cousin I am I pull some shit together to make things special for her.....and I was thinking I need share this with the world because I know I'm tired of the usually roses and dinner...smh...step the game up on em. So here they go...

• If giving flowers no roses pleeeaase they are so very common step the playing field up get some tulips, lilies, orchids etc....just stop with the roses if you can purchase them at the grocery store we don't want them.
• Stop with the usual out to dinner.. plan an indoor all dessert picnic. Buy some bubbly and dessert custom made cupcakes, cheesecake, expensive chocolate no drug store or godiva lay a plush blanket in the livingroom light candles and make it all about her.
• Buy a packet of glow in the dark stars and stick them on the ceiling above the bed to spell out a message like "I love you" when the lights go out the message will be revealed.
• Buy a heart shaped sterling silver mirror and get "This mirror will forever hold the image of the most beautiful women in the world" engraved on it.
• Serve breakfast in bed...using a heart shaped cookie cutter and make heart shaped pancakes, toast, and melon.
• get an old pill bottle to make a prescription of love. Fill it with heart shaped candy..create an label that says "take twice daily with a kiss"
• Dress up the bedroom. Buy and put on new luxurious bed sheets, light candles, drop rose petals, buy massage oil and lingerie... expensive top of the line lingerie.

Fellas just go the extra mile for whatever you do. Get the $100 bottle instead of the $40 bottle. Make the usual stuff a little bit more exciting for her and I guarantee you at the end of the night she will return the favor.

and ladies I have dropped a couple of ideas for you to do for your man...

• Sexy Scavenger hunt...When he comes home, he'll be greeted by a note explaining instructions and leads him to his first clue. each item he finds will lead him to the next until he reaches the grand prize YOU..naked or in some sexy lingerie.
• Make an homemade gift box filled his favorite things...candy, movies etc...this one can work both way fellas you can do this too! shout out Epitome for these two ideas.
• You can never go wrong wit tickets to his favorite sporting event..football, basketball, boxing even if you hate it learn it just for that one night.
• Cut out hearts in various colors write things you love about him and post it around the bathroom mirror so when he walks in the bathroom its the first thing he sees.
• Buy flavored body paint write his name some where on your body and send clues via text while he's at work where he can find it when he gets home.
• Switch the roles up. be the dominate one. You book the expensive hotel...and of course pay for it...order the room service..run the bath water all the little things that they spoil us with. Make him feel special..they do it for us all the time its okay to spoil them back.

Men are far easier to please than women..you could suck some good dick and cook dinner and theywould be happy. Just keep it simple for them...they are not all about the mushy shit like we are.

smh @ myself I got all this romantic shit in me and no one to do it for or no one to do it for me *sobs* better next year i guess.

From Haiti

My cousin Leah who is Haiti right now working as a nurse sent this email to let us know she is ok..Just wanted to share it gave me Haiti from her eyes...

Hey Fam,

I know by now you all have heard about this morning after shock I just wanted to drop ya’ll a line to let yall know that I’m perfectly fine and so is my group. So don’t worry about me ya’ll know I’m a thug for sure and no earthquake can keep me down.

My time is here is life changing compared to some of the other spots I have visited. When I stepped off the plane I could feel the sorrow and death in the air it was the most eerie feelings I ever felt in life. We walked down dead body-lined streets with nothing but destruction on them, something I thought I would witness while watching movies. From the time I touched I have done nothing but work…no not work HELP!! If I didn’t have to sleep to survive I wouldn’t its to many people injured and dying I just want to be up every waking minute to bring them some kind of comfort. I have seen people walk into this make shift clinic walking, talking and smiling but leaving out of here in body bags…that’s how things are here now. I’m watching people die from things that just shouldn’t take your life. A broken leg shouldn’t leave a child motherless or fatherless but here that’s what is happening. My days are filled with making the best of what we have which is much of nothing. Right now as we speak we have no IV left and I’m sterilizing things with alcohol…. vodka that is. Despite how we are in the need of more supplies the Haitians here are filled with appreciation and prayers for all of us. At night when I’m making some of my last rounds I join some of them in Prayer thanking God for one more day…one more day of suffering for them. I wish I could stop all the moans and cries that fill the air with pain but I can’t I shed a tear everyday before I hit the floor for this country and its people. The have to be the strongest people in the world to endure so much trauma and still have faith in god.

Yesterday I sent off one of my littlest patient to the Israelites hospital to get better treatment. He was only 7 or 8yrs old and had lost his family to this earthquake, in his eyes I could see glimpses of my son and nephews I just wanted to hug and hold him to give the loving care that he really needed he lost his foot and now was suffering my infections that we couldn’t treat. Right before he left he whispered to me “Se pou Bondye beni-w anpil” which means god bless you, IDK why but it just touched a cord with me and I cried on and off for hours. It was the mixture of sadness, joy, pain all wrapped up into one that just over came me. I once thought I was a strong person and could endure almost anything because being a nurse you have to be but I see now these people are the definition of strong. They have no home, some have no family, no food and water for the first couple of days here and death is all around but they still carry themselves with much pride and respect. Weak…. they are not.

When I first arrived here I said to myself this is going to be no thing I ‘ve been in some bad situations, hell I was there for the After math of Katrina and thought it couldn’t get any worse but here in Haiti it has. You know I’m in this program with all these high class ass white girls who just aren’t mentality ready to be here on more than one occasion I hate bring these lil bitches back reality and remind them just because they are poor doesn’t mean they are stupid stop treating them that way…smh…lord I wish the world was more cultured then we bring them up to be. These heffas were so happy when the Haitian orphans were sent to the there families…let me remind you their White families. You know I’m far from racist our fam is full of colors but that’s what It boiled down to. A senator charters a plane her to bring them to there families and we won’t let planes land in this country that have aid. Doctors without boarders are still waiting for there portable hospital to arrive something that we NEED. Those children were fine…no injuries…in good health had supplies and food so why couldn’t they wait one or two more days to be shipped out so aid could arrive? Just makes me wonder where are heads are at. Well I got to go duty calls I hope this email makes it to you guys…Mommy, Dana, Kiah and Keisha.stop crying while reading this cuz I know you cry babies are I’m ok…I’m doing what god put me here to do. I hope those tears are 4 Haiti and not for me they needed it more than I. James you are the best husband in the world thanks for stepping up and becoming a single father while I work to save your homeland I know this is hard for you since we haven’t heard from your mother and Aunts but you know I LOVE YOU to death and We will get through this. Kiss Pierre for me and tell em Mommy loves him.

Ok..i’m out for real this time

Ps..Yes Kiah, Dana and Keisha I finally got to wash up today and that letter for Degree will be written tonight cuz they the best!!

Love ya’ll again,

Leah.

In Your Dreams...

I have people tell me all the time that they never dream when they sleep...but of course they do they just don't remember them. We dream and we all dream every night. For the past couple of months my dreams have been outrageous and crazy. From dreams of being a drug dealer to having a house full of kids and not being able to view my husbands face they have kept me entertained. One thing all these dreams have in common is my one of male friends lets call him..Mail Man.

Mail Man and I have been friends for a little while not to long not to short just the right amount of time. We talk from time to time nothing to serious, he reminds me of my friend Ro so I think that's why I value alot of things he says for the most part . No matter what my dream is he's in it, in some form or fashion. Usually he plays a role in my dreams from being one of the main people to just being an extra with the random people we see out . I see his face sometimes just playing the background while the dream is taking place he never talks..never really interacts with the theme of the dream just watching I guess . I have no idea why he's playing a part in my dreams but he is there each and every night. I tried to research it online with some dream interpretation websites but they had no real answer for me....they just break the dream down to what u see in your dreams and there is no answer for why Mail Man keeps making cameos in my dreams.

I search my soul high and low trying to figure out the reason I can't shake this man but i have no logical answer for him always being around lurking in the scene......SOMEONE HELP!!! please anyone out there tell me why u think he's in my dreams...Does it mean I'm in love with him(which I know I'm not)....does it means he some sort of protector of me....or does it have a deeper meaning..*sigh*

Is It Jewerly Or Not?

I was cruising the web one evening looking for unique and outrageous jewelry because that's what I like to stand out in the jewelry department setting myself from everyone else who wearing all of the same things. So in my search which I don't even know how I ended up on this site but I ran across this....

Do you see what I say?....Maybe not so let me give you another look at it

Do you see it now? I'm sure you do...

This Jewelry line is called Vulva Love Lovely and Its all custom made to order just for you. You place your order and then send a picture of your vulva and then its made just for you in a pendant so you can where it around your neck or like me I said I wanna send it to all the men who tried to see mine but failed at it...at least they can now see it and have it forever.

I guess this work of art is to channel your inner feminist and let her rise. I personally love and want one for myself, it would definitely be an conversation piece. I love and appreciate my vagina so I would be proud to rock this around my neck.

There is other things on the site besides vulva's check it out...

Vulva Love Lovely

and for those of you who are a little more conservative than I, they do have some toned down versions of the vulva.....

To see more Vulva jewelry hit this website right here and check it out

Vulva Jewelry

So do you think its jewelry or not?

L'Union Fait La Force

L'Union Fait La Force(French)...meaning strength through unity

She called this morning with her voice cracking I could only make out bits and pieces of what she was trying to say and this it all came together.."I'm leaving for Haiti tomorrow"...She remained silence for awhile all I could hear was the whispers of her radio in the background nothing more nothing less. Our silence was so loud it was deafing...so I finally spoke "Is your voice cracking because you don't want to go or because you don't know if you can handle it?" she proceeded to take a deep breath and then answer "I'm sad because all the death, suffering and confusion this country is facing and how i could never imagine living somewhere that has no way to really help there own people." This isn't the first time my cousin Leah has dealt with disaster...she was on the first flight to New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina hit and witness our own countries pain so making her way to Haiti should be no challenge at all...wrong...Her husband an Haitian American has family there including his mother and two younger sisters, one of them is at US embassy awaiting transport to Cuba but his mother and 16yrs old sister haven't been located yet and I know one of the fears in her heart is she is going to run into them ..dead or seriously injured and that's not how you want to see your family members. Our conversation was filled with a stillness not to many words just us being there for each other. I know Leah's choice to was an easy one but a hard choice all wrapped into one, she going to have to leave her infant son and her husband who opted out of this trip because He wanted to be available to greet his sister when she touched American soil again. When our phone call was coming to an end she asked me to do one thing for her "Make sure my son and husband is well taken care of" tears streamed down my face, not because I was sad but because I know she was planning for the worst like each and every time she leaves, she never tells you she's afraid of not returning she just plans ahead. I admire Leah for everything she does, I wish was in the position to help much more than what I'm doing right now. I know she will be fine and once she gets there all those jitters in her stomach will be gone and she will click into nurse mode and do what she does best...help others...and return to us safe and sound.

My prayers and thoughts go out to Haitian in the midst of all there pain, sorrow, and confusion. I wish I had more word to stay but I'm speechless after watching CNN last night and catching a glimpse into what the Haitian are going through. I read a couple of things last night that some people tweeted and some message boards and was appalled at ignorant people can be. Some couldn't understand why we should care about another foreign country and others who made it an race issue. Right now I just can't understand how people can be so blinded by there ignorance and see this for the bigger picture. Its not about not caring about our own country ..its about helping in a time of need especially to the poorest country in the western hemisphere who doesn't have the means or well balanced government to begin to help. I can't believe people could see all these horrifying pictures coming out of Haiti and still just see black faces and not want to help or fell sadness for them...who would think in 2010 that the world is still so blinded about color. Those are one of those things I guess i'll never understand.

Make sure we all do our part and help Haiti...they need us...

Yele

American Red Cross

Unicef

Care

AmeriCares

World Food Programme

Doctors without borders

Bad Girls Club

I promised myself last year that I wasn't going to watch this fuckin' show no more.....but yet again I glue myself in every Tuesday at 10pm to watch a group of female embarrass themselves and push us back two steps in history. As I watch this show I often wonder where in the hell did they get some of these chicks from? who in the right mind would want to embarrass themselves like this but Oxygen found themselves a group of them. And how exactly is this whole experience helping them at all. They are placed in a house with alcohol, food, a limo, and a pool...soooooo when does the helping part come in? no counselors, no therapist, no nothing just them fight...fucking....drinking and being what some people persevere what women should be.

Last night as I was watching I was kind of appalled by the actions of some of the girls First it was lil Miss Kendra...who on the first episode made it known that she was an member Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority. Who like any other sorority pride themselves on being role models ,Classy and respectable women....Kendra, they must be so very proud of you and your hoeish ways because you are definitely getting them laughed at. Last night she booty popped on every guy in sight, exposed his ass on more than one occasion at the club and took some random dude home and let him lick her pudding pop...

*sigh* Oh sweetie are you confused about something....She made it clear last night that she doesn't care what anyone thinks but honey you should especially your sorority. Do you think they aren't going to get a peep at you and all the disrespect you are showing yourself and the A.K.A's....I wonder if she ever thought about why lil Marcus from Moesha won't give her any play anymore..because you hoeing sweetie and he wants no part of that. Especially since you are just following the foot steps of...Natalie.

Natalie is one the girls who I really dislike for more than one reason...matter of fact i got a list of them. I have watched her over the past couple of weeks talk about all the "famous" people(which i use famous lightly) she knows. Time after time I see her bring nothing but D-list celebs in..Like Gabe..a D list b-ball player..Gabe Pruitt...I ain't never heard of him and I love basketball I had to Google him to see where in the hell he came from. and I guess because he had a couple of $$$ it was okay for him to say say "we fucking tonight" along with some other disrespectful shit..Then it was Marcus who played on Moesha as her little brother, who ain't' had a job since and last I can't remember him but some tatted up thugged out white boy who is a skateboarder..I think. So I ask once again Natalie...Where are all the famous people you know at? Because if that's your list of celebs then its sad.....real sad....

Anyway last night she was running her mouth like usual..talking shit behind one of the other girls back who heard her and confronted her and of course she denied it..*kanye shrug* Well, Kate threw her shit out the window (which i would have to) and Natalie ran around the house looking for her..threw a couple of shoes and shit but then that heffa did some ole nasty disrespectful, weak bitch shit and spit on Kate.

That nasty Bitch Spit on her...smh... I couldn't believe what I was seeing and then when i tuned into my fb and twitter I could believe all the people saying "I would have spit on her too!" What? Maybe I'm just different, cuz the way I grew up spitting was not an opition at all...only weak people spit. You show that sign of disrespect when you ain't got nothing left. Natalie's bark is so much bigger than her bite. Nasty dirty bitches male or female spit...ewwwww.....thinking about it makes me mad all over again. for all those people who I read this status and what they tweeted about how they would have spit on Kate too...I just want all of ya'll to know that you are just weak ass that bitch for even co signing her spittin' and shit and you should really think about that one because shit like that is liable to get you cut! I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

After last nights show I'm really questioning myself and if I will ever watch that shit again. I sat and thought that We as women fought hard to be seen and respected and these heffa go right on TV and paint us as fool, hoes and stupid. The sad part about that shit is..I'm sure some of them think its cute to seen and treated like hoes. It wasn't that along ago that women were treated like objects, servants and baby makers....The women before us fought long and hard to make us equal to men but clearly these women don't know anything about those times. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that they think all of that is ok. all the trashy clothes they wear, drunkin fights, and hoeing is what they want the world to see us as....just stepping stones cause that's what they are doing. So instead of helping these girls set us back in time..I'm going to stop watching it for now....Sorry Bad Girls club..I love trash I just can't get with ya'll at all.

Dear Sleep

Dear Sleep,

I miss you please talk to me. I can't even remember why we fell out of love but I'm sorry and want you back. I remember back in the good ole days when we were very much in love and happy.

I would call you and you would come over whisper sweet nothings in my ear and I would lay with you for hours. Instead I call and call you but nothing...you don't even answer the phone. I know in my college years I cheated on you more than a couple of times but that's when I was young, dumb and thought that sleep was for suckers. I now see my cheating ways was not the way to go...Insomnia and I are over and done please come back to me. Are you still mad about October when I fought you off so I could spend time with my out of town Friends? but i did come back to you ...it maybe have been like 7am when i landed back in your arms but what could a girl do I didn't want to miss a moment with them...sorry... I want you to home now.

Every night I lay in the bed tossing and turning waiting for you and sometimes you never come and others times you appear at 2 or 3 in da morning knowing I have to be at work by 8:30, you just don't give us enough time together. I sit at my desk on a daily bases just wondering if tonight will be the night when we snuggle up together in the blanket and drift off to La La land. Everything you asked me to do I have done whatever it takes for you to come back..I stopped eating after 10pm, turn all lights out long before bed time, spray my covers with lavender and take warm soothing showers just so you can be happy and still just nothing from you. Where is the love, sleep? Where is the love? I know on the weekends I sometimes throw you the cold shoulder but its the weekend i need to be wide awake lord knows what I might miss if I fall asleep. I need you the most during the week my life just isn't the same without those nightly 8 hrs visits you stopping in and then wake me up at 2am to voice your frustration only drives me crazy and makes me Wanna cheat on you by going out and buying some help with our relationship but i refuse to give up on you so easily we can work on this.

Please Please Sleep forgive me for whatever I have done I need you in my life..I gotta have you in my life.

Love,

Sunshine

Nicki Madness...

We all know her..She's everywhere.....I use to love her before Wayne groomed her to be the female version of himself..

But this is unacceptable......

Ladies, please do not put on two bra's and cut your hair in any style to resemble Nicki Minaj and think its fly!!! Let me be the first to tell u this is unacceptable and officially labels you as an hood rat.......Somebody please save the babies....ASAP

The Challenge:Stripped Naked

"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." -John Jakes

I saw this post both on Starrla Monae's blog and LionsVictory and decided I would bear my soul just like they have. So I'm baring my soul , closing my eyes and jumping out the window with this one.

I was born May 17, 1983 to a working lower middle class family. To much surprise my parents were expecting a boy and sure enough they got me a girl...a very sick girl. My stay with the hospital was lengthy and when they sent me on my way I arrived to join my older brother and sister. I'm not going to say my childhood was all good and I'm not going to say it was all bad it was just what molded me into who I am.

I spent the first 10 years of my life running up and down Grieg st. Not really knowing that those boys on the corner were drug dealers and those funny walking people were crack heads. I thought everyone lived like this until my parents sent me off to all white school and i soon learned that it wasn't the case. It took a girl named Heather Bailey to tell me I was living in the "hood" and those people on the corner who included my cousins were all bad people..will at least that what she tried to lead me to believe. Those years on Grieg St brought me great joy and pain, I met some of my long term childhood friends there and I also learned how drugs could destroy a family. February 1992 would mark the day I realized what grief, sorrow, pain and drugs could do to your life in just a blink of an eye. I sat my little self in the back seat between my older cousin Mickey and Keisha riding along with my much older cousins Tre' and Tone enjoying the first ride in Tre's car. I remember being so excited to be out and about with my Tre and Tone since they spent most of there days sleeping and nights working..rather hugging' the block. We rode along stopping at all the hot spots so everyone could see his new ride but after that last stop it was as things didn't sit right with me anymore and even at 9yrs old I knew something was about to happen and it did. We sat at the light listening to the music when I car pulled up on the drivers side, the window rolled down and that's when the gunshots started along with the screaming and tires screeching. When i looked up Tre was slumped over and Tone was trying to stop the bleeding from his arm and calm us kids down. We lost Tre' that day, he was long gone before he even hit the hospital . His death took a toll on our whole family and I stop talking for 6 months..I had nothing left to say. my parents moved us up out of that Neighborhood asap and I left my friends, family and the only life I ever knew behind.

The rest of my Elementary and Middle School years we typical it was until high school is when I struggled to find myself. High school was the longest 4years of my life. I struggled to fit in and involved myself with Kori who cheated, lied, and abused me on more than one occasion but he brought me the accpetace I yearned for so I dealt with it. I walked out of those doors on June 7, 2001 not knowing what move i was going to make in life or how long i was going to hold on. I went off to college not because I wanted to but because that's what I thought i needed to do. It pleased my parents and older brother who I took a stab at it...and the only good thing that came out of it was my friendship with my BFF Tee because school was just a uphill battle for me. I didn't want to be there, I rarely went to class and my major was what my brother wanted me to do not I. I wasted my parents money and my time. I spent my days sleeping and running from class to class and my nights partying and drinking... I woke up one day closed that chapter and set forth for a road that I surly didn't know where it leads. I cried a little on this road...I'm lying I cried alot of this road from not knowing how i was going to pay my car note to losing my childhood bff Roshon in a car accident...matter of fact the day he dies Oct. 5, 2007 marked the day i lost myself again so the road to get to 2010 meant a little bit more than the one that led me out of school. It took alot of personal battles , addiction, pain and joy to stand here now at 26 years old and smile. I hold my breath with every major move i have made so far and its only the second week of 2010. The years that are behind me was just the foundation for the greatness I'm about to lay upon this world. True, if you ask me 10 years ago if i would be degree less, man less, marriage less and childless I would would have told you no with much attitude. i now see who I am and why god took me through what he did. they say your past is your past and your future is what you make it! so look out world its nothing but achievement, Good days and greatness from this point forward.

My First for 2010

Shout out tha unpretentious narcissist for this one right here!! You the beeeeessssss!

and you know this comes with direction...

1. List ten things that make me happy.

2. Tag 10 bloggers that brighten my day.

3.Link back to the person who gave me this award.

Ten Things that make me happy.....

Buying new shoes!!! I simply love shoes!

Spending time with my niece and sister. It bring joy to my heart.

Mexican food....yummy..

When The Lakers play especially when they win...which happens often :-)

Getting my hair done. It just transforms me into awhole new person.

PAY DAY... no explanation needed..

Warm weather...I hate the cold.

HE makes me happy :-)

Coconut cake.. whip cream frosting...

Life in general just makes me happy!

Passing this off to ten people.....i don't even know if i have ten to pass it to..

Khaki...Not all Baltimore chicks are stupid...

Reese...Sweet Insanity and Sarcasm

Val or ProBrooklynite......Planet Pro-tron

T-Charry....Mizz Scoop!

Eury...The Social Carnivore

Ava Dior....[& its all about me]

Black and Missing

I thought about this a long time ago and got so catch up with insignificant things that something that really matter slipped my mine.

Amber Alerts fill our roadway with tag numbers and description of cars we need to watch out for and colors of outfits that the missing wore so we can stake out anyone or vehicle that fit the profile. I to make sure I keep my eyes and ears open just to help another person home save and sound but Do you ever think how many of these missing children/Men and Women are of the African American race?...better yet of any minority?

The media goes crazy over the disappearance of people who remind us of Lacy Peterson, Natalee Halloway and Audrey Seiler..plus the children resemble Jon Benet Ramsey, Elizabeth Smart and Caylee Anthony but what about Mitrice Richardson(missing since 9/09), Sasha Davis(2/09) and Nancy Cobb (found murdered) or maybe the children Lavontay Ju'Marion Johnson(missing since 3/08) and sisters Roxann and Deja Owens(missing since 12/09). Do we just not care about them equally as the others. There was a time in the nation that us African American weren't thought twice about and our disappearance was just one less nigger taking up space. You would think that now..present day... after the civil war and Martin Luther King rallied us together to hear his dream that the media and the world would cherish us just as much as our counterparts.

FBI statics show that African Americans and other minorities make up a large portion of the missing than what the media portrays, little to no coverage is ever shown for those victims. Channels such as CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News neglect to ever showcases story of minorities who are missing to broadcast what they are call "more interesting" stories such as maybe Tiger Woods hoeing around? and Gilbert Arenas getting trigger happy? In June of 2007 MSNBC cancelled a segment of a missing African American Florida girl to cover Paris Hilton...smh..I can see how Paris could have been so damn important... Our minority community has no one to back them when one of our own pop up missing. I remember being in high school and one of my friends disappearing for a month and not once did I see her name flashed across an TV screen or did anyone offer to help. All the efforts to find our lost is solely placed on us.. the community to make it heard but those cries can only be heard for a short distance. It brings much sadness and pain to think that there is thousand of minority family who just long for the public to hear the story of there missing mothers fathers sister and brothers but the world will never hear there cry. As I sit here write this blog I can't recall any minorities getting any news coverage...as I think even more I can only recall them if they were killing, dealing, slanging, or cheating. Which is heartbreaking to me because today I learned that two young sister who are from less than 20minutes from where I live have been missing since December 29. So tell me why I didn't know that? Why for every night that I tune into the news I have never not once seen or heard this story or seen these girls faces. I ride every day to and from work and pass numerous amber alert signs and not once did I catch any info on them. The only resources I found catering to those who are missing in the African American Community was Black and Missing which breaks down the missing by state and gender. I was surprise at how many of us are missing and how long they have been missing...smh...its like no one care if we just up and disappears. So who will help save us if they are to busy saving other?

Have you seen us?......

Roxann Owens

Deja Owens

Mitrice Richardson

Lavontay Ju'Marion Johnson

Sasha Davis

My Luvs......

This a pic of my two luvs and I right before we left out for NYE....I wanted to share it cuz its usually how we are...the three of us together.....Cuz we aint' no friends,,,lol...and plus i know at least one of them is reading this shit now.....

I was going to write about that night but i have nothing to say but this year I shall be making plans to bring in NYE in Atlantic City or Las Vegas being here in the DMV is getting tired and old....

Gold Digger?

"I ain't a gold digger but I don't do broke n*ggas!"

I recently posted that on my twitter while hearing it the Wale concert courtesy of @aye_IB an underground female rapper from Texas. Now when I posted it I didn't know how much this one little statement would cause so much outrage and drama.

I got messages, tweets and DM's from people judging me off of that one little line. I got alot of that whole statement right there was that of a gold digger mind set...huh? At first I felt like I needed to defend myself, prove to others that I'm not the gold digger they're accusing me to be. But then I thought...I'm standing behind this statement 110% because I felt on what she was trying to say.

Gold digging and be comfortable are two totally different affairs in life. Confession: I often make jokes and say I'm just holding off until i find my millionaire husband and then life will be great but in actuality I just want to be in a relationship and feel secure. I have never based who and Why I dated someone off solely on how many zeros are in there bank account or how much there net worth is..the car they drive...clothes they wear or the company they keep. Money isn't the defining factor in how i feel for u. I personally just don't want to be in a barely getting by relationship...i wanna know that shit goes wrong...that we as a couple could survive on one income for awhile without feeling like we are barley keeping our heads above water. I once had an relationship were i was the bread winner and it was I who carried him on my back and did everything for us off of my little pay check and let me tell you that was something I vowed I shall never ever in life do again. I want to be with someone can hold a job down, keep up with his bills and leave an above water life....Is that to much to ask for?.....Does that make me an gold digger?

I spend every other weekend with a group of gold diggers in the hair salon. I listen to them talk about all the money they see, trips they take and expensive items that cover there bodies on a day to day bases. Hell, I'm friends with a couple of gold diggers who only date men who only have 6 figure incomes to sit on. I'm amazed at how much time goes into living your life by gold digger standard and making yourself available for these men. The are all about the $$$ and what it can do for them...from fast cars to very expensive shoes a gold digger has nothing but$$$ on the mind it probably all they think of. A gold digger has dollar sign in there eyes and that something i just don't possess. I never thought because I want to have an better comfortable life then that of my parent would automatically make turn me into an gold digger. I thought i was just having higher standard for myself trying to make a bigger life for me and my future children...I guess not.

Gold diggers chase the glam and glory of the money, I just wanna be have an extra $5 in my pocket instead of picking lent balls. If that makes me a digger then i shall wear the title with pride.

Shout Out I am tha unpretentious narcissist.....

Iowa Hawkeyes and Georgia Yellow Jackets got it on last night in the Orange bowl....Right before it came on I had an convo wit Mr. Narcissist on twitter about my hate for down southern teams. except the Hurricanes!..he's a Yellow jacket fan and How I hope they didn't win...so and I quote "Yall (DC/MD) some natural haters" hmmmm..oh really!

Well.....

The Hawkeyes won......

So Shout Out to him for calling me hater and the team I wanted won!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh it feels so good!!!!

Lets Go Iowa....LMAO....

Question.....

You have met the Man/Women of your dream...He/She has everything you want and more in a significant other.....You are madly in love, BUT...

The sex is terrible!!!

I mean horrible....So what do you do?

Shout out to cosmo for posing this question.....

What I Hate About Me.....

I was in the bed last night up way to late watching the style network, when one of there new shows came on called "What I hate about me". It features women who come on and discuss and change the ten things they hate about themselves...from being to tall to not being able to bake a cake each shows features a different who want to change. As I watched this women muster up the courage to share her inner demons it made me wanna do the same and maybe like her sharing them will help me get over them....hopefully....and since most of you who read this minus a couple of ya'll don't really know me anyway so if you judge me...and if they do so what..

What I hate about me......

I learned the other day that one of my friends who admire for being so confident in herself was hiding behind it just like me. I carry myself with so much...flyness(which i know isn't a word). I hate the fact I hide behind my flyness. I don't want anyone to really know how i truly see myself so I let the world see the person I guess you can say I made myself up to be. I monitor my clothes closely and learned how to put make up on correctly to hide how I see myself. I figure if I can convince the world of me then I have jumped over the first hurdle.

I hate the fact I wear black all the time. Everyday black is somewhere in my outfit its rare that I swear color or expose myself to much. Black is my security blanket i have lead myself to believe that black is hiding all my flaws. It makes me look slimmer and that what the world to think that I'm smaller than what i really am because I hate the way from body looks. Black also hides the fact that I sweat alot*hides eyes* that just made me wanna throw up. I have had this problem most of my life so over the years I learned black hides it the best...

I hate the fact I never look at myself naked. I never walk pass a mirror naked...never never never do I do this ever. I hate the way I look naked! not sexy at all so I keep it to a minimal of seeing myself that way. If I do catch a mirror glimpse of myself I always wonder if the way I see myself is the same way men see me when I'm naked in front of them..see that just made me think about another thing I hate about me...

I hate the fact I can't have sex in the light. I try to stay away from having sex in the light. I will try my hardest to make sure if any type of sexual activity goes down it only goes down doing evening hours. I hate to see my body in a mirror so I hate for any man to see my body in awhole cause I'm not to comfortable with it. I have made up plenty of excuses to avoid having sex in the light :-/

I hate the fact I can't swim...I know I say this all the time but I kinda hate the fact that I don't know how to. So when I'm at the beach or pool everyone is swimming around and I am posted on the side trying to look cute. I wanna learn but I'm just not motivated enough to do it yet....maybe because I just keep making up excuses on way I can't....Like getting my hair wet is top of the list.

I hate the fact I'm to giving....my brother has been telling me all my life that I give people to much and in return get nothing back. recently I really realized that is truly is the case. I have the bad habit of always trying to please others without thinking of myself. I will give and give to a person until i have nothing left for them and usually they take advantage of this. From some of my closest friends to ex boyfriends I have had my share of people who have milked me dry but instead of my just cutting them off I proceed to still deal with them.

I hate the fact I'm a mean girl and I have been told that on more than one occasion. I portray myself so mean because I'm trying to hide myself which co insides with carrying myself with so much flyness. I never want people to see me for the person I'm really am. I feel if I keep all this going no one will ever know what my weaknesses are...I'm afraid of rejection and being hurt. I learned over the years that being a mean girl is the best way to protect myself from the world.

I hate the fact I can't sleep at night. No matter how tired I am or how much sleep I got the night before I just can't sleep at night. I have tried everything under the sun to ease myself into sleep but nothing has really worked. This started two years ago and has been holding on strong ever since. So on a average I only get maybe 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night.

I hate the fact I'm afraid of the dark!...*I'll wit while you laugh*....I don't have to sleep in the light I just don't like complete darkness I need a lil sleep t shine through. Which is funny because I still pull the blanket over my head..I guess that defeats the whole purpose of the light but its just how my randomness works.

I hate the fact I let me people talk me into shit i just don't wanna do. take it anyway u want but I hate when I let people run the guilt trip on me to get me a place or doing something i don't wanna do. I have sat in alot of functions and did things i absolutely didn't want to do or be. smh....I could write a list of all the shit i didn't but didn't want to from attending parties of people I can't stand to attend seminars that had nothing to do with me i have sat through them all.

So there they are...the things I hate about myself.....