I'm Not Ready!

I was talking to Epitome last night about Lil Richmond how he made a joke about coming to DC for my family reunion so he can meet my family..whooooaaaaa...they threw for a loop I know part of him was joking and the other part was serious but i picked to run with the joke half of him and I just laughed it off. Of course Epitome didn't find it as funny as i did and he informed me that maybe it was time to stop being Old Sunshine and let New Sunshine come in a little bit more since we both decided to make changes in our lives for 2010. Right she was but I just don't know if I'm ready for the family meetings and stuff, I just don't want to do this too prematurely and ruin what we got going on. I love my family to death and that jazz but bring him around them all at one time makes me feel sick to my stomach. It would be cool just to start off slow..maybe just meet my parents and siblings that would be a better fit for your first family gathering and maybe we can work in everybody else..Aunts, Uncles, cousins should come later. this family reunion will have them all he ones i like, hate, the hoodrats, motor mouths who tell everything..the rude ones and the over protective...It will just too many people there for me to keep track of all that will be said or done. Epitome said "its been 4 months and you thinking about being with him in long term did you think that meeting the family will never happen?" *side eye her ass* I feel where she coming from, i do like him (plz savor that moment cuz i may never say it again) and i knew that my family will come into play sooner or later but i just wanted it to be much later like Christmas or something or maybe even 2011 *shrugs* I 'm just not ready for all this family stuff...i take it serious when we progress on to family functions and meeting them its a big deal to me. I just don't bring anybody around my family because I feel that is some real special type stuff...some real serious stuff and in the past i have done so and with the exception of 1 who they still ask about things didn't end well at all. Maybe its me over thinking the situation but I'm just not ready for such a big step I' going to pray all goes well and I'm also going to pray that he has a reason not to attention so i won't have to deal....is that wrong? lol

My father always told me to NEVER depend on a man for nothing, make sure you always have your own. I have carried that with me all my life and I live by it. I do for myself before I ask or let a man do for me or rather depend on him, its nothing personal but I know that I would never disappoint myself while on the other hand a man can and some cases will! I'm surprise day by day when I meet or hear about women who depend on men for everything...smh...I'm not saying I don't want a man around nor do I want to be alone for the rest of my life...I'm saying I'm just prepared to take care of myself all by myself if push comes to shove. I know a couple of woman who live and breath the air that only their man provides. Everything they have is because of them...money, cars, home, clothes its all because a man provides it for them. now I'm not knocking that hustle , I just wonder if life took a left turn would they be able to survive without them. For example Lil Richmond has a baby mama who i know wouldn't be able to survive without..well its clear that she not going to be able to. He takes care of most of her needs...a roof over her head, food in the fridge, clothes on her back and the needs of the kids is all on him. She collects a very plentiful child support check included in that too. I wondered for awhile what would she do if he wasn't willing to do all that anymore or lord forbid he not here anymore...I learned the last couple of weeks that she wouldn't be able to pull it off without him...Long story short all her perks have been cut short because of somethings that will happen in the up school year and now she is hanging by a thread and doing whatever it takes just so all that was happening before continues on....She proved that survival on her own would be far fetched because he doesn't know how too. She hasn't worked in years..never really had to do much but take care of the kids and she was happy with that and now it could all stop...It has stopped .Now she is in panic mode trying to figure it all out. I just can't understand that at all, I thought every Female was taught that lesson about not depending on man for everything..I guess i was wrong. Its not about not needing a man its about being able to handle it all on your own...I think you should always plan for for it all and one thing i always prepare for. My father use to always say what if something happens to him...what he gets in accident and doesn't survive or is not able to provide and more would you be able to survive with him and all he brought to the table. Me as a female I feel like we should always be able to make things to happen on our whole...we have always been thought of as the weak group ..not being able to survive on our own so we need to make it a point to be able to perform this without a second thought. being able to handle your business is part of being a big girl and a adult. It saddens me to think that there is till some females who can't grasp that concept or just don't know how to pull it off.....maybe I should teach a class on that .

Message Of The Day..

I just wanted to share this...It came from my friend Donnell who I call Militant Donnie because he always got me on some black power stuff with him . He usually sends a message a day some are amazing some, some aren't but this one I loved so here it goes...

When people see your success and achievement and great creation

let them call you lucky.

Never let them see the sores on your hands,

the blood left on sidewalks -or

the sweat and tears that

helped all things happen.

Make sure you check him out over at Keep up with the Jones.

Do Better Mr. Owens...Do Better

I will admit that at first I wasn't really feeling this show even though I love me some T.O. but after watching a couple episodes last season I feel in love with him...Terrell not T.O. they are completely two different people. I watch him last season go through the ups and downs of playing football and his personally life...even felt sorry for him when he talked about not having his father around even though he lives only a few houses down from him. That was one of his biggest problem in his life not having his father around, he impacted his life so much. He said he didn't have anyone around to really show how to be man so that was the reason behind his actions. Ok so I can believe that to a certain point but to eaches own.

So the first episode of this season aired a couple of days ago and of course i tuned in even though he drives me crazy with some of the shit he says and does i still like seeing him be Terrell and not T.O. that use to cross my TV every Sunday during football season. I listened to him be sad about him not having team to play for, i watched him cry about being single and how he was lonely and tired of it. My heart even went out to him as he talked about not knowing how to hold on to a relationship because he never had to and even wanted to shed a tear for him as he talked about his father being absent in his life. well, when the show ended and they showed the previews for the upcoming season I was angry at what i saw. So the same who was so hurt that his father never took an interest in him and cried about it...is a deadbeat father just like his own!! smh...He talked about not knowing or even seeing his toddler son Atlin.....Was this man serious?!? has the compassion I once had for him just went flying out of the window. I couldn't believe that he was doing the same thing to his son....His son who isn't his only child he has others but he was just what his father was to him to Atlin. I was surprise because most of the men I know who grew up fatherless are the greatest fathers ever and play the biggest role in their children's live just so they don't have to experience what they went through. Not only did he piss me off but i lost all respect for him.....how do you cry your heart out on TV week after week about your father being absent in your life and how it affect you but behind all that be doing the same to your own son? come on homie what ever sympathy i had for that man has certainly been blown away with the wind.....do better Terrell Owens do better...

and before everyone says oh he learned from his Father and just doing what he was taught...negative he has two older children that he takes care of and is very much in their lives..

Change

I haven't blogged in a week..*sigh* I really don't have much to talk about anymore...lol.. or maybe that month of forcing the blogs out that has given me a little bit of writers block *kanye shrug* You know what maybe i do have a couple of things to say.

I have to admit that over last couple of months I have changed alot, all for the good i think, well others wouldn't see it that way but its all for the greater of me. I use to be so much more tight knit so much more guarded I have learned to let that down a little bit and try some new things and to my surprise i actually liked it...alot. I once would have sat in a room full of people or things that I just didn't get along with or just because to please the others around me, sitting and being miserable no smiles no talking just being there, I had to let that go asap it wasn't doing anything but bringing me down. I hate feeling like shit is being forced upon me and I use to do these things to please the ones around me but in the end I was the unhappy one so I cut the cord to that too! That might have rubbed some people wrong in my life but hey sometimes things ain't always about making others happy. I'm finally taking time to stop and focus on me, see what makes me happy, sad, and what I want to do with that. I had to cut out some of the things i was so use to doing like being every body's everything all the time. My mind and body was tired of trying to make the world happy without me being happy first. I realized it alot of things that i use to care about that just don't mean that much to me anymore. I use to but so much emphasis on how other felts about the things I did and said that it just mattered to me too much. I saw that some of the people around me was so concerned about how i needed to be there for them, what they needed me to do that they never stopped and looked at what I may needed at that time or so on...Now I see things so much more clearer...I see that I just may have been convenient to some people My life was full of alot of selfish people i had to let go, some of them i shall miss, others not so much. Everyday I discover something new about myself that I either suppressed or never recognized. I feel like everyday a weight is lifted off my shoulder as I grow and discover so much more about me. I've changed alot of bad habits and picked up a few too.....I've changed y thinking and some of my lifestyle...i needed change in my life, I needed a new me. I spend so much more time doing that make me happy...lol..some you may understand others probably not. I was once scared of change...... scared to let go...scared that people wouldn't like the person I would become but it took someone...it took more than one to give me a push on encouragement for a hand to hold so I wouldn't be alone. "You have to love yourself first in order fro anyone to truly love and know you. Know who you are and embrace you first before you can love and embrace world" So that's what I'm doing..lets see what shall come of it.

This Is Goodbye

I wanted to answer his text with "no" but my hands just wouldn't type those words to him. So here I am sitting in my room getting myself together before he rang the doorbell and would be sitting in my presence.I ran and got myself right fixed my hair put on something semi cute but not too cute didn't want him to think I put all this on just because he was coming over. My stomach was doing back flips i don't know why i was so nerves I've known it seems like forever and him stopping by is not a thing.... well it use to not be a thing now its fills my thoughts with the who, what, when, why does he need to be here...why now...why today. The hour that ticked by felt like only seconds before he called and said I'm here open the door. I took a deep breath said a little silent prayer that I could get through this visit without crying and open the door. And there he was the man I would have changed everything for...would have given my heart to without second guessing it, the same medium brown color, bold head and bead just like i remembered him...its hard to believe that I knew this man long before he had facial hair, knew how to drive a car or started losing his hair. When he hugged me I wanted to jump back and scream no but my feet were planted firmly in that spot. His touch seemed so foreign to me but i didn't want it to end...he stepped back smiled and said "i missed you" no word left my mouth just a half ass smile that i forced. Now I know him like the back of my hand and know this wasn't just I was in the neighborhood trip and wanted to stop by, I know him so well its scary I knew the moment he sent me that first text that his heart was heavy and needed me to listen so he could know that everything was good between the two of us. I knew the only reason this whole convo didn't take place over the phone was because he wouldn't be able to read me, he knows that all my emotions are usually in my body language not my voice he needed to know he needed to see my raw emotions. It was May when he dropped this I'm getting married bomb on me and just a few weeks ago that invitation arrived at my parent's house, I didn't want to address this issue any longer I didn't want to think about it anymore but being i know him I knew that the way our conversation ended on that day wasn't good enough for him didn't bring any peace to his heart or mind. So we sat and talked...first it was small talk nothing too major just to lighten the mood...then of course feelings *straight face* the last thing i wanted to do was talk about how I feel about this whole state of affairs....I didn't want to talk about how my heart was broken...or how him being here just makes me feel some type of way or how I stuffed that invite so far in my night stand draw just so i wouldn't have to deal. but what is he making me do..DEAL...I just wanted to act this was all a dream nothing more than my mind playing tricks on me but The word I'm getting married leaving his mouth made me snap back to life back to reality. That silent prayer I said must have been by passed because a couple tear left my eyes and ran down my face. It was all real now I was going to lose him...he belonged to someone else no more hoping or wishing that him and I would be together, he had found love in someone else. We talked for 2 hours...the longest two hours of my life i know that is what we needed we need to bring whatever false sense we both had to a end. I thought him and I talking would maybe make things a little better make my stinking feeling in my heart go away but it didn't it just ached a little bit more. I walked him to his car and it felt like the dead man walking trail my head hung low and my hands placed firmly behind my back...I felt that this would be last time we would probably see each other...I had made that decision about 10 minutes after he arrived it would be hard to do but its for the best of our friendship just to remain friends from a distance. He hugged me one last time and said "don't be stranger you know we better than that" I just nodded. I stood in the drive and watched him pull off. A part of me wanted to beg him not to leave, not to get married, to rethink this whole thing, wanted him to realize that my love runs long and deep for him but my pride wouldn't let that happen at all. With tears in my eyes I sat on my bed pulled out that invitation and RSVP'd...I finally knew what I need to do finally saw how things should be...I checked that I would NOT be attending I know it would just be to much for me to handle, it would be better this why not having to see him happy with someone else getting ready to live a life that didn't include me as his wife. The dress goes back to the store along with the shoes...my fly escort just got the text that he didn't need to clear his life for that day and now I can start mending my broken heart...and bring the chapter labeled with his name to close.

*props feet up on table and sips wine*

I'm not going to lie its only been two days and it feels kind of odd not to be wrecking my brain trying to find something to blog about *kanye shrug* but I refuse to do a blog a day thing again...well not do it 2 months straight!

I did extend the challenge to some others and 2 of them accepted the challenge..

JazzyJaz over at Me, My Blackberry, and the City and Starrla Monae over at herself titled blog Starrla Monae are picking up where unpretentious narcissistic left off at. Make sure y'all stop into there spots and check out the next 31 days of them blogging..I'm sure they will have some interesting things to get off their chest!!!!!!!!!!!

Afternoon Delight

David Oliver

D.O.B 4/24/82

Olympic Runner

Sesssssssyyyy Sesssssyyyy