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The DMV, United States
I'm young, black, single and fabulous!!! Trying to live my life to the fullest before its all said and done with . I'm just trying to figure it all out!

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

This Is Goodbye






I wanted to answer his text with "no" but my hands just wouldn't type those words to him. So here I am sitting in my room getting myself together before he rang the doorbell and would be sitting in my presence.I ran and got myself right fixed my hair put on something semi cute but not too cute didn't want him to think I put all this on just because he was coming over. My stomach was doing back flips i don't know why i was so nerves I've known it seems like forever and him stopping by is not a thing.... well it use to not be a thing now its fills my thoughts with the who, what, when, why does he need to be here...why now...why today. The hour that ticked by felt like only seconds before he called and said I'm here open the door. I took a deep breath said a little silent prayer that I could get through this visit without crying and open the door. And there he was the man I would have changed everything for...would have given my heart to without second guessing it, the same medium brown color, bold head and bead just like i remembered him...its hard to believe that I knew this man long before he had facial hair, knew how to drive a car or started losing his hair. When he hugged me I wanted to jump back and scream no but my feet were planted firmly in that spot. His touch seemed so foreign to me but i didn't want it to end...he stepped back smiled and said "i missed you" no word left my mouth just a half ass smile that i forced. Now I know him like the back of my hand and know this wasn't just I was in the neighborhood trip and wanted to stop by, I know him so well its scary I knew the moment he sent me that first text that his heart was heavy and needed me to listen so he could know that everything was good between the two of us. I knew the only reason this whole convo didn't take place over the phone was because he wouldn't be able to read me, he knows that all my emotions are usually in my body language not my voice he needed to know he needed to see my raw emotions. It was May when he dropped this I'm getting married bomb on me and just a few weeks ago that invitation arrived at my parent's house, I didn't want to address this issue any longer I didn't want to think about it anymore but being i know him I knew that the way our conversation ended on that day wasn't good enough for him didn't bring any peace to his heart or mind. So we sat and talked...first it was small talk nothing too major just to lighten the mood...then of course feelings *straight face* the last thing i wanted to do was talk about how I feel about this whole state of affairs....I didn't want to talk about how my heart was broken...or how him being here just makes me feel some type of way or how I stuffed that invite so far in my night stand draw just so i wouldn't have to deal. but what is he making me do..DEAL...I just wanted to act this was all a dream nothing more than my mind playing tricks on me but The word I'm getting married leaving his mouth made me snap back to life back to reality. That silent prayer I said must have been by passed because a couple tear left my eyes and ran down my face. It was all real now I was going to lose him...he belonged to someone else no more hoping or wishing that him and I would be together, he had found love in someone else. We talked for 2 hours...the longest two hours of my life i know that is what we needed we need to bring whatever false sense we both had to a end. I thought him and I talking would maybe make things a little better make my stinking feeling in my heart go away but it didn't it just ached a little bit more. I walked him to his car and it felt like the dead man walking trail my head hung low and my hands placed firmly behind my back...I felt that this would be last time we would probably see each other...I had made that decision about 10 minutes after he arrived it would be hard to do but its for the best of our friendship just to remain friends from a distance. He hugged me one last time and said "don't be stranger you know we better than that" I just nodded. I stood in the drive and watched him pull off. A part of me wanted to beg him not to leave, not to get married, to rethink this whole thing, wanted him to realize that my love runs long and deep for him but my pride wouldn't let that happen at all. With tears in my eyes I sat on my bed pulled out that invitation and RSVP'd...I finally knew what I need to do finally saw how things should be...I checked that I would NOT be attending I know it would just be to much for me to handle, it would be better this why not having to see him happy with someone else getting ready to live a life that didn't include me as his wife. The dress goes back to the store along with the shoes...my fly escort just got the text that he didn't need to clear his life for that day and now I can start mending my broken heart...and bring the chapter labeled with his name to close.

8 comments:

Rock said...

Damn.

I wish I could pour my heart and soul into my blog...but certain people read it and It would be giving them too much.

I prefer to let them find what they think are thinly veiled references, which are really nothing than my personality slowly leaking out.

I appreciate that someone actually pours their soul out. I feel mad gay, like im sitting at home watching a telenovela.

Good shit though.

jazzyjaz said...

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out for you and him and I know it was a hard things to do but not going to his wedding is probably the best thing for you and him. All great things must come to a end consider him one of your great one who all get them sometimes they last sometimes they don't but at least you got to experience him if only for a while.

Anonymous said...

i've been a lurker for a little while but never commented. i'm just a little confused though...is this about bird or somebody else?

sunshinestar110 said...

No Anon this is not about Bird its someone else....

JStar said...

I shed tears on this one...I KNOW this feeling ALL too well...I had to let go of my first love recently...We even attempted to date earlier this year (I posted a pic of him on my page) He is THAT person for me...But we arent meant for eachother...I loved that man ever since I was 15 years old...He was supposed to be mine...But it just didnt work like that...I shed tears for your broken heart and mine...It is easier not to see him...

DaBossBitch said...

Ughhh.... so hard. I'm at a loss for the reason of sending the invite. I guess I need to go back and read past posts.

But I swear it makes me think of the Bey song "Why don't you love me". God's way of keeping things open for the man that I know is desperately searching for you. He's probably heart broken too. He'll find you soon!

Definition Diva said...

I have been silently reading your blogs for months and first I must say I love them and the way you keep it real...kudos! Now, my heart so goes out to you. I know that had to have been the hardest thing to do. Me being me I don't think I could have done it. I respect you for not going to the wedding and the reasons being but do you honestly feel you shouldn't go? I know you still have feelings for him, I can tell by in your blog, but maybe he wants to have you as a friend. Do you ever see that happening? Anyway, I just had to drop a comment this time plus you inspired me to start my own blog....

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

aw..i'm sorry to hear it's hurting like a mofo.

i do think you're making the best decision. in these type of situations you have to let the hurt, hurt all the way out. meaning you have to live in that moment, for that moment but then once it's over. let it be over. if that makes any sense.

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