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The DMV, United States
I'm young, black, single and fabulous!!! Trying to live my life to the fullest before its all said and done with . I'm just trying to figure it all out!

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

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Wrote about my ex getting married in this post -----> This Is Goodbye<----- I haven't seen or have spoken to him since that warm July night and when he got married in October I just blocked the whole thing out of my mind...Out of mind out of sight is what i was going with but the other day while surfing through FB and taking a break from stalking Khaki I decided to find his brother. I know i know probably wasn't a great move but a part of me was curious about his wedding, I had all those questions bothering me ever since he annouced the wedding to me. I needed to see it for myself, i need to see if he was really happy, what she looked like, was the marriage really real, I just needed to witness it all. When I typed his brothers name into the search box I prayed a little bit that he wouldn't pop up or he would be private but the other side of me wanted him to pop up wanted to scroll through his pictures. And of course like almost every person in the world there it was his brother's fb page, I pause when his named popped up and it took my 15 minutes before i worked up enough nerve to actually click his pictures, braced myself for all that was about to come my way.

I knew I was setting myself up for heart break but i clicked the album that said "Guess who has a wife?" I took a deep breath and begin my scroll through picture after picture smiling face after smiling face. I had to take a couple of deep breaths just to stop myself from choking up a little bit. It was crazy to see all the people i had grown to love over the years...his father, brothers, baby sister, his friends,eve his step mother i use to be apart of that world and thought i would always be , kind of always saw myself marrying him being Mrs. Such and Such. Seeing those pictures made it so much more real then the invitation was or hearing him say it not it was craved in stone. I secretly envied her not being she was cuter than me, which might i add she is not, or because she was the opposite of me but because she got him, all of him! She got what i thought would always be mine..the person i thought the rest of my life would be spent with. It was a hard thing to see all the love and happiness they shared I wanted it to be me..he loved like that looked at like that but I guess that is not how the cookie crumbles. As i continued to look at the million wedding picture i couldn't help but think about how him and I would talk about our wedding...it made me smile a little bit remember how things were before we grew up a little bit and the cheating and lying started and I got to experience what heart ache really was. I continued to look on caught a couple of picture of people i haven't seen in so long even found my cousin in a picture or two who went to represent us both lol...I even laughed a pic labeled "where id Dink when you need her?" Dink is what his baby brother started to call me and I love that little boy who in the picture was crying his heart out....i felt a little loved that at least they missed me. The pictures ended and I still don't know how i feel about it yet. I would be lying if i told you i was perfectly okay with it because i'm still a little hurt and sad. I called one of my friends to pour my heart to her about what i seeked out, she asked me was I happy for him? okay with seeing him happy with someone else? ...Happy for him maybe a lil bit but ok with his happiness being with someone else not really, i can't change it so it is what it is. Maybe it was suppose to work out like this maybe this was the plan along for me to love him and lose him...maybe it opened the door for Lil Richmond could it be that him and I were never meant to be just find each other...be friends, get together, break up and never go back to each other *sigh* being that we will never know the answer to that i'll just take it for what is. Him and i was a great run while it lasted. I do miss him a little bit and seeing the pictures just made that so much more but I think us not being the friends we use to be is for the best!

5 comments:

Kristin said...

And just when I thought I was honest and real in my blog, I read this and have to say WOW. I'm not even sure if I could have let all that out especially if I was upset about the relationship being over.

So you and him ended in July?

I left my fiance in February of last year so this past year has been life changing!


I started my blog Peace, Passion, Procrastination back two years ago but didn't publish it until about a year ago. I couldn't let the world see my troubles. I was miserable and ashamed of failing and showing my true feelings.

So what I'm trying to say is I think you are 100% awesome to be able to express them all! I learned this past year that I didn't have to be ashamed of any feelings that I have and the fact that I actually allow myself to feel. Its pretty awesome!

Glad you found me!

Kristin

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

*hands you Kleenex from my stash* I feel every single piece of this story. You were brave to even look at the pictures. My heart would have broken into pieces with every click. At first you feel like it's all good but when the finality of it all hits you...I feel like woman have the strongest hearts in the damn world. We take in all of this and still go on. The Kings shall find us one day...we gotta keep that mustard seed faith.

sunshinestar110 said...

@Kristin we had ended things long before that but I ended our friendship at that moment. I just couldn't deal with the emotional roller coaster I was putting myself on. I knew we would never be together living happily ever after and i just didn't want to witness him happy and in love with someone else.

@Starrla *wipes tears* it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, i thought my heart was going beat out of my chest when i saw the first pic of him and her. *sigh* Heart have to strong because we endure so much more than men i'm sure he probably didn't think twice about the situation. I hope my king comes soon cuz watching all these living happily ever after makes me sad and sick wrapped all up in one. but i'm holding out for him! one day!

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

*pause*....*long sigh*....*pouring out a little liquor*

Breakups like that feel like deaths. I went through a "death" similar to yours. I totally get where you're coming from. But the lesson of the story is..you move on. You move on & focus on your life. Your happiness. The things that are in store for you.

And know..that whenever you find it. Whenever it's your time. He'll look at your FB, through your albums, and try to play your dude as "not as cute" as him. And feel the same way. It's never easy letting people, memories, or past dreams go...

luvlymskrissy said...

I second everything UPN said. I hate when he beats me to posts! Lol

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