Wrote about my ex getting married in this post -----> This Is Goodbye<----- I haven't seen or have spoken to him since that warm July night and when he got married in October I just blocked the whole thing out of my mind...Out of mind out of sight is what i was going with but the other day while surfing through FB and taking a break from stalking Khaki I decided to find his brother. I know i know probably wasn't a great move but a part of me was curious about his wedding, I had all those questions bothering me ever since he annouced the wedding to me. I needed to see it for myself, i need to see if he was really happy, what she looked like, was the marriage really real, I just needed to witness it all. When I typed his brothers name into the search box I prayed a little bit that he wouldn't pop up or he would be private but the other side of me wanted him to pop up wanted to scroll through his pictures. And of course like almost every person in the world there it was his brother's fb page, I pause when his named popped up and it took my 15 minutes before i worked up enough nerve to actually click his pictures, braced myself for all that was about to come my way.
I knew I was setting myself up for heart break but i clicked the album that said "Guess who has a wife?" I took a deep breath and begin my scroll through picture after picture smiling face after smiling face. I had to take a couple of deep breaths just to stop myself from choking up a little bit. It was crazy to see all the people i had grown to love over the years...his father, brothers, baby sister, his friends,eve his step mother i use to be apart of that world and thought i would always be , kind of always saw myself marrying him being Mrs. Such and Such. Seeing those pictures made it so much more real then the invitation was or hearing him say it not it was craved in stone. I secretly envied her not being she was cuter than me, which might i add she is not, or because she was the opposite of me but because she got him, all of him! She got what i thought would always be mine..the person i thought the rest of my life would be spent with. It was a hard thing to see all the love and happiness they shared I wanted it to be me..he loved like that looked at like that but I guess that is not how the cookie crumbles. As i continued to look at the million wedding picture i couldn't help but think about how him and I would talk about our wedding...it made me smile a little bit remember how things were before we grew up a little bit and the cheating and lying started and I got to experience what heart ache really was. I continued to look on caught a couple of picture of people i haven't seen in so long even found my cousin in a picture or two who went to represent us both lol...I even laughed a pic labeled "where id Dink when you need her?" Dink is what his baby brother started to call me and I love that little boy who in the picture was crying his heart out....i felt a little loved that at least they missed me. The pictures ended and I still don't know how i feel about it yet. I would be lying if i told you i was perfectly okay with it because i'm still a little hurt and sad. I called one of my friends to pour my heart to her about what i seeked out, she asked me was I happy for him? okay with seeing him happy with someone else? ...Happy for him maybe a lil bit but ok with his happiness being with someone else not really, i can't change it so it is what it is. Maybe it was suppose to work out like this maybe this was the plan along for me to love him and lose him...maybe it opened the door for Lil Richmond could it be that him and I were never meant to be just find each other...be friends, get together, break up and never go back to each other *sigh* being that we will never know the answer to that i'll just take it for what is. Him and i was a great run while it lasted. I do miss him a little bit and seeing the pictures just made that so much more but I think us not being the friends we use to be is for the best!