Someone posed the question to me today do I feel like I'm heartless? and it made me think..maybe I am a little heartless and cold at time but its a lot of past things that brought me to that. Over the weekend I lost one of my friends in a car accident, who also was friends with my Ex Worthless who I have no words..... nothing. So when he called me to tell me this news I felt nothing for him. I have no tears for worthless even though I know how hurt he was...no grief came out for him. I felt numb about the situation with him.
Now before u judge me and say...oh Sunshine I can't believe you, that man just lost his best friend let me say this....Two years ago I to lost my best friend in a car accident and was hurt beyond words and He told me in so many word, people die all the time suck it up and get over it...okay...so that was strike one.....Strike two came soon after that when his drunk ass looked me dead in my eyes and Said he was Happy that Ro had died in that accident and it was one less dude he had to worry about....on top of some other hurtful shit, i washed my hands of him and feel nothing for him. I mean its to the point that if he was on fire I wouldn't pee on him to put him out..I just feel nothing for this man.
I kind of felt like an heartless bitch for acting the way i did when he told me about the death. I even cried because i felt like maybe i should have been much more sad for him especially since I know what its like to lose someone you are so close to. After talking to Epitome,Khaki, Phillay, and Redz...I know alot of people right they all helped me realize I can't help how i feel and I had the right to feel that way.
Then the question was asked of me If I feel I am heartless and I would have to say..I am just a little bit. I do keep my heart very well protected and sometimes fell nothing for more than one reason. My ex Redz did say to me the other day that "girl u are so hard on men its crazy!" and He would be right I do keep men at arms length away from me and I tend to keep my heart locked away from them. I know I need to work on this but i have been through alot in my past relationships..The major one with Dog so I have taught myself to love slow and far in between. I watched dog pry on my weakness and i vowed after him that would never happen again so I'm extra hard on the men in my life. The funny thing is if any of them would ever last long enough they would find out that I'm a softy at heart...Shut up Angie and Ro...I know ya'llknow first hand that I'm soft...lol..I cry at a drop of dime and love girly things but I never let too many men know that, I don't want them to mistake my kindness for weakness. There only a few men who I'm me around...they are the only ones who know I ain't shit...They have seen me at my best and worst but still love me...Shout out to Redz, Bird and Ty for putting up with me...yall the best. Plus i will confess I'm not a very friendly girl. When people first meet me they usually can't stand me and I'm okay with that. I think some of that is me just me being me. I usually don't do well with new people I got to feel u out before i can love or hate you.. And if you wanna call that heartless than cool...It is what it is...I once thought about changing my attitude but I realized that would mean changing myself and I love me as a whole so I refuse to change me to help people better like and understand me. If you don't get who I am then...I think i might have used the wrong one Epitome...I'm sorry...so be it maybe its just not meant for us to be friends and what not. So if heartless is what I am, than I will wear it like an badge of honor with much proud!...Sorry?