"We often get so caught up in our everyday grind that we need to stop,take a deep breath and remember what got us to where we are and what still holds us back. I know from personal experience that the people around us sometimes forget that we too need to be loved and supported and we too have our own demons to battle."- My Brother A.C.
i took all that he said last night in account and decided maybe i'll write an open letter to myself....especially since i know he reads this blog from time to time and knows that I always say I'm okay just to keep things moving...
"You need to open yourself up sometimes and let other know what you are thinking and feeling stop keeping it all bottled up to yourself..you might find out that people love and understand you better or maybe even fight the same battle everyday too"-A.C.
Maybe from letter and posting this I'll learn a thing or two about myself.....
Where do i start with ourselves...hmmm let me see...I've always been the "I'm okay" girl ever since i can remember, i say it even when I'm not OK even when i can't eat or sleep because something is worrying me I tell everyone "I'm okay". I picked that up at young age...Hiding my feeling meant i didn't get them hurt and even though I learned that i end up hurting myself even more i still do it. I don't want other to have to worry about me. You already know that I play the strong, fearless person who always carries everyone else on my back but you know that sometimes I need other to be strong and supportive for me too! i think sometimes the people in my life get so wrapped up in what they need from me they never stop and say "dang, I wonder if she needs something from me" but like you already know I've become accustom to it so I just play my role. Maybe its for the better, maybe its for the worse..
Trusting people is very hard for me i don't trust easily..I have been friends with some people for years and still don't really trust them and is always waiting the worst to happen. I have been betrayed by alot of people before so giving my friends all of me is a far fetched idea for. Trusting men is probably the biggest trust issues i have. for every man besides the one's who share my blood line that i have put trust in has proved to me that they can't be trusted. Even the one man i trusted the most recently betrayed me..it takes alot for me to dish out my trust in others.
I always imagined me being married, 2.5 kids and doing the family thing but all of that ended the moment the Doctor informed me that me having children may never be an option. All those white picket fence, family vacations and giving birth to my first child dream chapter closed and i sealed it with a kiss. I deal with that pain everyday no matter my mood, its hard watching all the people around you have something that i feel i never will. Because of that i keep most men who pursue me at arm length i never let them get to close or wrapped up in me..I feel like i can't provide them with what they are looking for...Everyone tells me that oh one day use will find a man who will love you for you but I feel like i don't want to burden any man with that baggage... i have never ever met a man who didn't children..didn't want to be married, doesn't want a family. I try to bring comfront to the one around me and play the I'm okay with it card just so they can breath easy but even after all these years I'm not. I hold my breath every time my period is late and i shed a tear when I find out. I watch the people around me do all the things i once thought i would and he makes me want to run and cry. We fight that demon the most...everyone wants be to part of whats going on but they don't pause to realize its sometimes hard for me...I'm lying to you its hard all the time. They all want me to be apart of there journey and ride shot gun but they never stop and see how that journey hurts my everyday life. My journey that i take dealing with this i once took on my own..matter of fact the people who pull me on theirs have never jumped on mine. I will say the most unlikely person rode with ride with me because she lives this too and i don't have to tell you who it is because you already know.
We both know that I'm self conscience about myself. No matter what everybody else says about me. I hear oh ur not that big...you don't weight that much, and you are so pretty but that's not he girl i always see. The world gives you nothing but the Beyonce's, Rihanna's and Jessica White's of the world so when we compare ourselves to them we can't match. I think thats were my sassy attitude comes from..protection tryin to protect from myself from people seeing my faults. they pay more attention to my attitude then my body. Now don't get me wrong i love us...to death i just don't see the person that everyone else sees sometimes.
There is certain people in my life i deal with to please others around me. I have people i wish i didn't have to speak to or see but i do to keep the peace among us. I pay much attention to detail so i hear the talk when my back is turned, i see the looks when i walk into a room and watch people's attitude's change when I'm around. It doesn't bother me to much because i know it bothers them more. Smiling and laughing with me doesn't make us Friends or me like you. saying something mean and hurtful and laughing at the end doesn't ease the stink. I watch other try to down play all these things i just want them to know i see it and i hear it and once again those are one of those moments i take a step back and be more about me. My ex boyfriend called it being selfish I call it keep my sanity.
I lost the only man i ever truly trusted and loved almost three years ago. I feel like maybe i'll never love or trust any other man but him. I feel like i'm betraying him by doing so...what we had ws deeper than friendship deeper than what we let other believe and when it was taken away it left me at a dead end street. I often wonder if I'll ever find that again or if I'll ever let another person get that close to me.
At first i thought writing this would be foolish especially to myself but i now see that was the only way to address what follows me around of a daily basis. So i thank you...Me!! for listening and letting me write all of this to you.
Sunshine...no that Sunshine...you know the real me....so Love Dana.