Torn

When my darling brother was here two weeks ago we sat down to have an discussion like we do every time he comes about my future and what i want out of it. And like always I never really give him to much info because i sometimes don't know what to expect out of him from time to time. The relationship I share with him is very deep and strong I see him more as one of my best friend than my older brother and because of our ever so strong relationship I value his opinion to the up most and never want him to ever be disappointed in me. Disappointed him, I have over the past prolly 10 years of my life especially my high school years...I remember seeing and hearing the defeat in his voice so i vowed that i would never do that again. So when he brought the subject of what do you wanna be doing with yourself I never really answered him. Alot of thoughts ran through my head when he started to question me...one of which was ..You know what do i want to do? because I can tell right now present day while we speak this is not the plan I had for myself at all. Sitting here at my job..not my career just trying to make ends meet in a job I absolutely hate was not in the cards for me in high school but here I am. My brother and i talked for awhile about the future and what it holds he brought up something i never really thought on too much before but this time, a big question mark appeared in my mind...


Why don't you just come out to California and stay with me?


hmmm..usually when he brings up the moving to Cali situation I just huff and puff and say my usually i don't think so but this time maybe he's right! maybe I should leave D.C. behind and start something in a whole new place with a whole new plan. I'm kinda torn in between the two *Le'toya Luckett voice i don't really know which i wanna go wit it. I love the east coast and i love D.C. it was where i was born and raised and I love everything about it. I love the hot summers and cold winters and of course my family is here and being this far away from them was never the plan in my head. but on the other hand I do love Cali too! and my brother is there so being on the west i won't be completely lonely. My brothers wants me to come next fall enroll back into school and just set up shop out west to see how things go. And let me tell u my brother can run an hard bargain. He told me not to worry about anything..I could stay with him for as long as i need to, he would pay for school and I only would have to work part time...Sounds good right? very good to me but I don't know if my heart is really in it just yet. I talked to my sister about it first who was little 50/50 about the situation but after a couple of hours she called to let me know that I should do it..if not for anything just the experience. Now my friends on the other hand have awhole another idea about it. They all voted no on it! smh..my best friend the most! when i first brought this up to her couple of month ago she waved me off and said I''m not even going to entertain this..I'm pregnant and I want you here for the birth..selfish right? So this time when i popped the question on her again a couple of days again nice and close to her due date she saw that i was serious once again she gave me the i don't think its a good idea answer but nothing more than that. I do know that what anyone says mean nothing especially since none of them are taking care of me..I am..and this has to be my desicion not for them to say. Its just hard and weighing hard on my mind. I spend alot of nights up late weighing the pros and cons about this decision and i can't seem to get it right. What if i get out to Cali and I'm happy very unhappy what do i do then? Leave? or what if i leave D.C. and miss out of something i have been waiting on for a long time? then what?...My brother told me to stop thinking negative think positive about the move but i just don't know about it...I guess time will only tell.