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The DMV, United States
I'm young, black, single and fabulous!!! Trying to live my life to the fullest before its all said and done with . I'm just trying to figure it all out!

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Thursday, September 30, 2010

It was all fun and games at first. The long conversations, the trips two hours back and forth to see each other it was all just because...just because I needed something or someone to take my mind off of all the that occurs in my world....forgetting about Bird, ex boyfriends getting married, friends and family issues..Roshon it was an escape from it all. I never thought that all our laughs, jokes, and deep talks would lead us here...right here... right now. I usually run away from situation like this I'm quick to back up, pack my things and head for the hills when things get too deep and that's exactly what part of me wants to do...she wants to find something wrong with him...something wrong with the whole situation and not like him anymore and trust me i have tried my hardest to do but for some reason he just keeps pulling me back *cues Chingy and Tyrese* but the other hand wants to play the hand I'm holding wants to throw it all out and see where this road leads me...see where he leads me but............................. My heart beats fast every time I consider it and get to sweating maybe its my fear of commitment...no its not commitment i fear its being hurt that i just don't want any parts of. I know that is not how I should conduct my situation with him but the thoughts of all the past relationships that went wrong...the tears, fights, cheating and disappointment take over my heart and it just wants to shut down and post a closed sign. When he poured his heart out to me and told me how his feeling are for me...I paused i wanted to say so much to him..i wanted to place my heart in his hands but that fear took over and I just digested it all. I know he was dissatisfied with my reaction but i just couldn't wear my heart on my sleeve i just couldn't be to open for him. I have given him alot of me...alot more than i ever expected to do, this was suppose to be a short lived thing between us just something to pass the time around but the time has gone and he's still here. Still dealing with my smart ass, demands and mood swings oddly he understands me understand why i do the things i do. He knows me far beyond the mac foundation and lip gloss..he knows the real me and accepts her for who she is. I can be not easy to get along with be he finds a way each and everyday. For all the things I hate about him are the same reasons i love him...whoaaaaaaa..lets say like about him. He calm demeanor, his smart mouth, his busy schedule and the love he has for his kids are all the things that I want the man I choose to be be with to have. So why I keep running from him or as my friend Melissa would say being scared of...I have no idea. Maybe it's his love i'm scared of or the love i have for him...he honestly has pushed me in the right direction and showed me what love is or how its suppose to go. I'm so use to protecting and holding my heart close that opening it up and giving it up seems foreign to me. So right now I'm standing at the window weighing my options do it let all my fears go and jump or crawl back in and continue to hold all my fears close.

5 comments:

khaki la'docker said...

well, well, well Ms. Star i think it might be time for you to take your own advice and push yourself to being open with him about your feelings. If he left, i'm sure you'd beat yourself up for not opening up- no?

Untuck your balls Sunshine- they need to breeve :) (sorry for the humor)

★Starrla Monae☆ said...

Stop looking for something to go wrong. If this man has done absolutely positively NOTHING for you to doubt him then DON'T. I have a friend who is going through almost the same thing. I know she likes the dude but she is trying to push him to the side because of his age. He's 25 and she's 29....so effin' WHAT??! So far he hasn't showed his ass agewise. She goes on to say how mature and well put together he is and how nice the dates and conversation are and how she does like him but he's too young...*sigh* The man made for us may not always come in the packaging we expected. Don't push him away. Don't be afraid to fall...because you won't! He sounds like he'll be there to catch you...corny I know. Lol

JStar said...

I agree with Khaki and Starrla...Let go of yours fears and expectations and go with the flow. Dont block your blessings with insecurities. How will you know if you dont try?

Krissy said...

Take a leap girly. Nothing is wrong with doing that.You can't keep your guard up forever. Its not how life is suppose to be. Leap, and if it doesn't work, learn from it. But you can say you stepped out of your box and check that off your list of "things to do"

tha unpretentious narcissist© said...

*SNAP*..you got a boyfriend. lol

and you looooooooove him.

stop being scared and listen to your heart.

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