NYE

So its New Years Eve and I don't have much to do tonight..no clubs, dropping big $$$ just a lil get together with some friends. I might not have an amazing outfit to wear but I do have the nails!!!




I'm in love with these although i'm not a fan of holiday themed stuff once she put these on my nails i couldn't help but stare at them. Happy New Year and be safe out there..catch you in 2012!

All I Want For X-Mas....

This Mixed Race Rocawear Barbie!!!!!!!!!!



“As a Barbie doll designer for more than 10 years, I want African-American girls to know that dolls can represent their career aspirations, hobbies and ethnic backgrounds. Barbie inspired me to realise my dream of becoming a designer, and I want my dolls to inspire girls to play, create and live out their dreams,” explains Stacey.

They are only available in the UK!!! *cries*

No One Ever Said It Would Be Easy...

And they were right about that!! When I got myself into this arrangement I didn’t know it was going to be one of the hardest tasks I ever tried to achieve. I jumped right in head first without having any knowledge of how to make this thing work….and work is exactly what it is. 2 hours away doesn’t seem that far away but ohhhhh it is, there is no late nights sleeping at his house nor let me stop by to see what you doing going on around here. Everything is basically planned out to the last detail. Weekends have to be set aside, plans have to be made and schedules have to be checked before spending time together , it is almost like having a full time job. We are living in two different cities, in two different states and both have things to accomplish in our cities..plus he has children Two children that has to have some time too. I thought walking into this that I had this all under control and maybe after 6 months of it, I realized that it was not easy at all. Everyone told me that it would not be easy at all especially when there are children involved. Although I would love to have all his undivided attention I do know that kids need it too so I often play the background to the whole quality time thing.

The long distance thing was already hard but Lil Richmond being sick only adds to the struggle, I didn’t have to think twice about being there for him but it is all on me now. The driving two hours is all me now…..rearranging my plans is all on me now. I would never ask him to travel away from not knowing how he may feel by the time he gets to DC. Let’s just say that just made it even harder. I decided that I wouldn’t bring up this whole much harder that it should have to be subject until after his January Doctor’s appointment that’s the big one to let him know what he is suffering from. I love him to death but long distance thing is showing to far more difficult than I think it should be. There is no structure in this arrangement no set times a month we gonna do this….what days …it is all just done on a whim and if I let him lead it would be done on a blue moon. I was asked a couple of weeks ago is it even worth the hassles and for the first time I questioned myself for a minute….and I know its worth it…..at least for now.

...

This around the time I usually do a Merry Xmas post and maybe even a Happy New Year one too with a list of things i want to change or do in 2012...This year not so much!

I haven't really be in the holiday mood which is extremely strange for me because I usually live for this time of the year...all the family time is the best ....this year my heart is just not into it.

I plan to have a simple Xmas as usual with my family and laugh, smile and drink but my usually planning out great things for us is not going down this year. I feel like I should be excited about this is the first Xmas that my niece really understand whats going on and the first xmas for the other one but instead i'm praying that it will come and go very quickly.

As for the New Year...I resolute to have no resolutions and just let all flow, decided that I'll just see how 2012 brings..hopefully it will be far better than 2011 because she was not good to me at all. Maybe a new home, new job and anything else the next 12 months bring me will be embraced with open arms.

So if I don't blog between now and the New Year let me wish yall



and

Food

The holiday season is here and although I'm not in the Christmas Spirit this year I did attend a company holiday party with one of my friends!!! Let's just say I had lots of fun and the place was amazing!!! It was called Sax! it a French feel with red and gold everywhere and for your viewing delight every 15 minutes there was burlesque show!!!

I wish my pics would have came out so much better but it was super dark in there. Oh, the food was crazy good and it was a experience I ate of couple of things I would have never tried on a regular day. I did catch a few pic of our plate and I know if anyone can appreciate pic of food it would be Monique!!! She is foodie just like me!



Apple Crepes



this filet mignon was the best i had ever had plus the mash potatoes it rested on was to die for.

How Many Have You Said???

I saw this floating around fb and It had me dying laughing...one because I probably say alot of those things and when he goes into singing lil Wayne! lol

Quickie

It has been a little while since I have blogged personally. I gotta say i kinda miss this place...it keeps me sane. Even Though I haven't blogging I have been reading, especially some of my fave blogs I'm always on point with those.

I guess I should give a recap of what has been going on in the world of Sunshine!!!

-WORK is still the worst...and this new job is taking its toll on me...smh...this place stresses me out to end that I have developed a stress twitch in my eye..smdh..it happen all week until Saturday and it stops but back Monday morning. Oh..Let me tell you how since I have been working here the heffa has been gone majority of the time but has the nerve to write me emails about how nothing is getting done......and the final straw I haven't gotten paid on time since I have arrived here...and yep that has done it for me. I am in full find a new job for 2012, i just can't handle this place anymore and i truly understand why the turn over rate is so high.

I discovered over the past couple of months I have really realized alot..a whole lot!!! I have gained a new friend or two and I have also lost a couple of close friends..would say my best friends but that titled burned out years ago. Someone asked me if I was sad about that situation and a little bit but I have done all that I can to make it work or rather make it right. I'm extremely tired of being that bad guy and no one taking blame for their actions but all in all maybe it worked out for the better. One of my male friends said something to me the other day and he made a great point You grow up and grow apart, some people can't handle you changing and not being the same person you use to be..so they decide to lose you instead of growing with you. And he is right..maybe 2012 will bring better things for us but for now i have turned the page past that.

I have done a little clubbing lately which is totally out of the normal for me. It was fun, I discovered that way more of a flirt than I thought myself to be *shrugs* but I see now that I have outgrown the hell out of the club, i can't stand waiting in line, spending all this money on alcohol and all those people!! Nah, I think my old age has caught up with me. I will say my shoe game was killin' it the last time!! lmaoooo




Loved the shoe but my feet was on fire by the time we were hitting the exit!! Lawd the things we do for beauty.

Lil Richmond is till holding on strong, this has been a rough year for us. I love him with all my heart but actions speak louder than words and I wonder if I'm putting more into this than he is. When I thought I was going to back out on this relationship, he got sick. All that i felt before left and we are still together not because he is sick but i can't imagine life without him in it. He is till sick and they have no clue what is wrong with him and it hasn't been easy for him but he is holding on strong. Luv u babes!

I haven't told anyone this but I think I'm getting the baby itch!!! who would have known that would come creeping up on me. After i was told m y chances of having children was slim I ust blocked babies out of my system but out of nowhere it has creeped up and my biological clock is ticking!!! I haven't spoken this baby thing to Lil Richmond he would probably panic, babies are not his thing right now, so I guess ill just keep it between me and blogger lol

I haven't had really much to say so blogging has been real died but for 2012 i'm dedicating myself to blogging once a week!!! HOPEFULLY!

I'm the worst

yep...it is the truth i'm the worst right now!!! this damn job has taken me away from blog life and the damn holidays just ran up on me....I swear in 2012 i'm gonna do so much better!!! I promise!

But in the mean time I read this Vibe Vixen Article and Had to show it!!!!!

Why I Am NOT A Ride or Die Chick!!!


tell me what u think ladies!!!!

Love Lost, Love Found

At this first Parent/Teacher meeting I didn't think that I would fall in love and this guy would be my husband. I wasn't even thinking about love at that point of time in life, I was still healing my heart from losing my husband while serving our country in Iraq. I lost my husband and my heart shut down, the only love I was thinking about was my children. I can't remember much of what was said in that parent/teacher meeting but I do remember him telling me how I need to talk to someone about the death of my husband because my children were worried. I wanted to cry the moment he acknowledged my husband's death, it was years later and I as still healing my wounds. I never answered him that day just nodded grabbed my purse and left. I left and found myself confiding in him, why? I don't know something about him made me comfortable. That whole school year he tutored my children, signed my son up for football that he coached,became my friend and father figure for the twins.

My children moved on and were no longer in his class but he was still around being a friend for not only me but the children also. I found myself feeling much more than friendship for this man, I called him everyday he came by ever weekend as our friendship grew so did my love for him. I was torn between my husband and this man, who listened to all of me, held me while I cried about not being able to grieve or say good bye, he consoled my children when thoughts of their father flooded their hearts. I didn't want in any way to forget about my husband but I didn't know if it was right for me love him either. I vowed my life and love to my husband on our wedding day until death due us part and how could I allow myself to love another man. I pushed him away and he came back stronger, we begin to date and my children loved it too. That broken feeling I once felt in my soul had loosen up, I was once again happy I haven't been happy since my husband death.

I thank my husband every day for putting this man in my life, I take him as gift from him. I know not in a million years that he would have wanted me to be alone and not love again. I know he wants nothing but the best for me and the best is him I also thank Miss Sunshinestar who gave me the support I needed to finally love again. Last I thank Him Breon Turner, for being that love that I lost, I thank him for showing me that I didn't have to give up my husband to love him. I thank him for loving my children and helping me find myself again. I lastly thank him for not giving up on me and dealing with my struggle and thank you Breon for blessing me with your last name.

I had once LOST LOVE, decided never to love again for fearing that I would loss that person too, then I FOUND LOVE,I will never again fear losing love because my first love brought this this love to me.

- Tania White-Turner

Tale from the force

It was my first day working my beat alone and everything was easy going until I got that call on my radio. Dispatch, called my number and I was officially in cop mode, I hit my sirens and stepped hard on the gas and I off to catch my first real criminal. When I pulled up everything was in pure commotion, fire tuck roaring, children crying, people screaming I had to quickly get control of the situation. I took page after page of description of what my assailant looked like and as I stood there talking to one last person I could see my culprit just feet away, of course I dropped everything and chased after him. He saw me coming and took off full speed, he ran faster, I ran faster, he turned the corner, I turned the corner finally he hit an dead end and there we were looking at each other face to face. I tired to coach him into giving up but I could tell by the look in his eyes that was not an option and before I knew it he stopped and was running towards me!! My heart was now beating out of my chest, I froze I didn't know what to do next, all I could think was just don't let him get close to you so I RAN!!!

The running began but instead of me chasing him, he was well on my tail. My mind is racing so fast I must've forgot that I had a gun on my hip the whole time, I reach for it and fire one shot, the running stops. I prayed to every god in the world that I hadn't killed him and then asked for forgiveness just in case I did. I walked up on him slowly and got in arm length and the assailant jumps back up!! I couldn't believe this, he just was not going to give up. I turned to run and get a little distance in between us and tripped over the curb and find myself laid flat down on the ground and him approaching fast. I grabbed my gun one more time and fired shots until he wasn't moving anymore. I catch my breath, get my heart rate back normal and finally stand up by this time my back up had arrived and standing next to the assailant. I got over to them and I could hear the snickers and laughter coming from them, their eyes water ed with tears from laughing about my life or death situation. I didn't see any humor in it at first he could have ended my life or harmed me brutally. I stood back and looked at my first real police job, no need to call the detectives in or the corner, I had killed my first DOG! lmao. I can look back on it now and laugh although it left me on desk work for 6 weeks.

Oh by the way I feel so special to know I'm the first to pop Sunshine's guest blog cherry!!! yay me!


-HisMrss

I miss he!

I miss he!!! I never thought in a million years I wold be saying that but I really do miss him. It has taken my years to admit this but I do, I know our time together had to come to an end for multiply reason the main one being I grew up and got smart fast and he relationship had to burn. A couple of weeks ago i thought fb friending him but i didn't want him to know he still crosses my mind.

I probably shouldn't even feel this way especially if i went into detail about how bad our relationship was...lawd knows it was extremely bad but when we weren't trying to be lovers and being friends he was good at it. He took me alot about life the good, bad and ugly of it all. Its been 7 years since we had any type of contact with each other and it was my call but at that time I needed the break from him more than just a break. Now I find myself thinking about him alot, even thought about getting his number from one of our mutual friend to speak with him but I'm not sure if that would end well. Instead, i stalk him on fb..lol..and check on him from time to time with a mutual friends. We even run into each other from time to time because of these mutual friends but because I'm a jerk I never give him more than a hey. If he only how sometimes I yearn for his listening ear and his asshole advice, we laughed alot and shared something that I once consider special...and it ended and now i want that old thang back!

How Did I End Up Here?

This is definitely not the job that I signed up for. In the interview they both made sure they painted a very clear of what is needed out of me but now that I am here I see that I do everything but what was painted to me. Yep, i got hood winked big time with this job and after only 1 month...yes 1 month I'm already plotting to get the hell out of here. SMH..I was out of work for so long that this job fell into my life at the perfect time i thought everything would be great...yep that is so far from the truth. I do everything for my boss except wipe her ass...When i say she does NOTHING...I men ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for herself. I handle it off not just business but her person work too..smh I handle so much of her person affairs that I don't have time nor the drive to get my own business taken care of. I spend my days talking to her insurance company about her person car accident, her iphone issues, landlord problem anything that has nothing to do with work...yep I'm all in it.

and I have been her a month and i count how many times she has physically came into the office to work...she usually leaves me on my own to figure it all out with no training about much of nothing. Oh lets me mention when she is here she sits in one spot all day lonnnnnggggg, drinking nothing but coke, pepsi and every other dark soda she can think of. I can't believe this is the same woman who has MS but does nothing in her power to do anything healthy to improve her health. I've been here for 30 days and I have almost quit every week since i started...its really that bad. Last friday I hit my breaking point when she sent me the rudest email in reference to a couple of questions I had with "why do ask so any questions, what am i even paying for for?" oh really, I'm new and need some things answered because you clearly don't answer your phone, when I'm trying to get answers from your clients who are ready to pull out on you. I nicely called her and explained to her in my black girl behavior because I think she has lapse of judgement when she talks to people and explained to her you will respect me no matter what the case may be, along with some other things like me not being her child or girlfriend so you need to address me correctly. It took everything in my body, spirit and soul not to pack up my belongings and walk out that door and never look back. I have to think Lil Richmond for calling at my time of need and stopping me from jumping off of the deep end because I am stand at the edge about to jump in.

I pray every morning that I can make it through the day with flipping the hell out because this job will drain your spirit, i count down my ours at work everyday and it brings joy to my heart to know that thanksgiving her coming soon and that means i won't have to see these people for 4 days...4 whole days to get my mind right.

Switching it up a little bit....

I decided after reading KellztheDiva's blog the other day that maybe I should switch the game up a lil bit and add some guest blogger into the mix...I love going to other blogs and reading things that their guest or mystery writers have blogged..i think it keeps the blog fresh and full of surprises I don't know exactly how I'm going to do this or whom i'm going to recruit to guest blog but if any of you are interested or have a recommendation of some people holla at me....sunshinestar110@gmail.com

Let's pray this goes well!

I'm Addicted...

I rolled my eyes at my friends for being so into all this vampire stuff from true blood to twilight I just was not feeling it nor giving it a chance. It had to be all those tweens who were going crazy over team Jacob and team Edward. I refused to having any conversation about the vampire things and called one of my male friends a fool for getting himself wrapped up in true blood i told him sir we are too old for that...lol..





So the other day after working my ass off I turned on the tv to find it was nothing to watch absolutely nothing to watch but Twilight *sigh* At first I fought with myself about even thinking about watching this movie, I also pre programmed criminal minds to interpret the movie just so I would be forced into watching the whole thing. Before i knew it was completely engulfed in the movie!!! smh..who knew it was going to be as good as it was. I had to call me sister and ask a thousand questions about what in the world was going on and to DVR criminal minds because I could not tear myself away from Twilight. I found myself ever so often hitting the ooohhhh and awwww's while watching it and couldn't decide if i like Jacob or not....lmaooooo... When the movie finally went off I ran myself to netflix to see i could order the next couple of movies so i could be update to go see the movie when it comes out.

Needless to say I think I might have a small addiction to the twilight series but I refuse to confess that information to any of my friends and since none of them read my blog...that i know of this secret is safe with yall!!!

Part Time Friends...Full Time Problems

Over the years I have watched a lot of my “friends” come and go. One day everything is all good and the next thing I know it they gone like the wind, I like to refer to them as part time friends, who are full time problems. Lately I have watched a lot of them sign up for part time hours when it comes to friendship, I have to say some of them I knew when the weather broke they would break with it but others…who knew!!!!

I spent the whole summer watching and learning from these part time friends, you know them when you see them, the ones who want to know your every move and why you didn’t invite them to make that same more with them. The friend who is always looking for something to get into when you have plans without her and never invites you on her/his trips, plans, or whatever the case may be. The summer is usually when these part time friends want full time hours, you find yourself at every club, cookout, festival, bar there is all spring/summer long. You look at your Facebook photos hell even your twicpics are full of pic with her standing somewhere posing her heart out. But labor day hits and the weather chills up a little bit and now we are not wearing those peep toes anymore and have pulled out those cute fall/winter knee high boots. All those phone calls from part time friend is far and in between and you see them on FB and twitter with there new group of “friends” doing all things that the fall brings about lol… Those are officially your part time friends they are only hot when the weather is hot! Yep I shall confess that I have those part time friends in my life, I knew a lot of them once again was nothing but that but its very entertaining to see how quick they change….and trust me they always due. Some can be a little bit of late bloomers usually not showing their true colors until after Halloween but usually that is the end of the part time friendship until next summer.

Part time friends with full time problem run around in almost each and everyone’s circle….they are gone for the winter but do make an appearance for special events such ass: X-mas eve, Halloween, NYE and anytime they know you would know how to get into or be apart of the hottest party at that current moment. Oh yeah there is the times they pick up the phone calling you crying with there lastest problem…boyfriend issues, pregnant, need a place to stay and list goes on they sure know how to find you when shit hits the fan. That’s why I call them full time problems they always find you and the friendship when they don’t know what to do.

Well since the weather has broke and the cold air has creeped its way back into our lives…I shall now take watch to all the part time friends who will creep themselves back where they came from…until the nest summer…lol

But nobody really cares....

I have said this over over over again...time after time again on twitter and I will say it again...I CAN'T Stand A BRAGGER!!! Yep its true one of my biggest pet peeves are people no matter whom they are who brag non stop about any and everything in life. Lately I have been witness to this on a regular basis. I have a couple people in my life who makes this bragging thing an everyday occurance in their life, my tweeter timeline and Facebook feed… it’s happening so much that others who share friendships with these people have asked me a million questions about it.

Maybe it’s the way I was raised but talking about what you got, how much it cost, and how you about to buy this and that was not the business. I grew up in an area that all that bragging was liable to get you got and robbed but hey that’s just me. To be honest I don’t really know how to bring to their attention that all that bragging is not the business without coming across as a total bitch… which is my usual attitude lol. Especially in this current time and in the state of the economy bragging really isn’t what the whole world wants to hear. Because someone who may have been able to drop the cash you bragging about, can’t do it now.

I’m not being a hater or trying to rain on there parade and joy but sometimes its just over kill to continuously talk about all you have or doing. Ok, maybe a quote or two but not every day at least 10 times a day I can see nothing but the bragging going on. I remember back in the day that bragging would get you punched in the mouth on the playground or something much worst. Also feel like some of he things that are being bragged about are things that at this point in our lives we as adults are doing…buying houses, cars, getting married and having babies its all falls under the being adult category. As for the other things like dropping $750 for a purse or $1500 for some shoes….people in reality I don’t really care and if I wanted to know I would inquire on these things….I think that sounded a little off but you get me drift.

*sigh*

So I've been really slacking on my blogging and someone *cough* DianaBoss brought that to my attention the other day!! To be honest nothing has been going on around me to inspire a blog but I promise I'll try my hardest this weekend to knock one out!! which going to be hard because its Howards Homecoming and here in DC that is a huge event...

...and the story continues...

At first I was going to sit my ass at home and not worry about being at his court date not one bit but i just had to go and meet this "girlfriend" of his...I wonder where she was when he was worrying me half to death about everything under the moon. So just like the bitch I can be I walked myself in his court room with my head up high looking oh so cute so they both, his mother and his girlfriend could see me and is at my ass right next to them both. None of us made any type of eye contact and from the way she was acting I knew she knew nothing about me or my dealings with Tyrell. After court was over i swung my purse and hair around and headed to the elevator and guess who was on it with me....The other girlfriend. At first I was breathing fire because this whole situation was making me mad how dare she stand next to me like she wasn't fucking my man how dare she be polite and kinda cute too. Luck had it with us parking right next to each other and this was my chance to either pump her for information or pop her ass right in the mouth. Before she touched her car door I finally made my move and asked about who she was and of course she answered with Tyrell's girlfriend which I soon laid the same claim to fame down too. I could tell by her body language changing that she had no idea that she was just 1 of many. We talked for over an hour that day and I was so shocked at how nice she was and how he played us both...he longer we talked the more i wanted to hate her but just couldn't even do it...she was young and dumb just like I and truly had no clue. As we sat and talked guess who made a phone call not to me but to the other girlfriend Tyrell!

I knew was gonna be so surprised to hear my voice come over the phone instead of the other girlfriend. He paused as soon as he heard it was me and went on this whole why the fuck you wit her...and blah blah blah blah shit. He even tried to make it seem like she was out to break us up...but sorry sir the moment you went to jail we had broken up. Needless to say I never spoke to him ever again in life but the other girlfriend whose name is Lyla are currently very good friends to be honest with you. It has been 6 years and counting since this all went down and I found out the person she really was and i honestly liked her. I never once was ever ever ever mad at her or blamed any of the foolishness between all of us her fault hell she was playing the hand he gave her. I really don't know how we became good friend it just kind of happen..a mall trip here, a dinner date there, clubbin over there but i can honestly say she is one of my good friends. I never share how I know her with many people especially my other female friends because I don't think they would understand but trust me they have been around her and don't even know it. Our friendship is something I probably never would have without Tyrell so...thanks to Ty for cheating on me with her and giving me a great person and friend. Now we attended each other events with questions asked...i was at her baby shower and housewarming and she has done the same for me. After sitting here and thinking about our friendship was built on crazy ground but i'm thankful for every moment of it.

Nails, Nails

Since I have so much time on my hands i have been taking care of my nail which is something i just wasn't feeling once before at all...but Tora put me on to this awsome nail tech who happens to be African American and now I am in love with her and everything she does... and on top of that she is amazing person and now my new friend....check her fb out http://www.facebook.com/celesteahampton?ref=ts...but in the mean time take a look at what she has done for me!

Story Tellin' Time!!

I knew when I first met him that it was going to be all bad, all the girls loved him and hated because he loved me. Our relationship was far from perfect...veryyy far from anything close to perfect matter of fact I knew I should have let him be whne I found out that he was huggin' the block. But back then you couldn't tell me nothing about anything especially when I grew up surrounded about males who did the same. So of course I'm hard headed and continued my so called relationship with him. Week after week, month after month i would hear stories about him being here and there with all kinds of girl, and on occasion or two he had the balls to have me sitting in the room with some of them. I remeber not really caring about the situation because I was doing my thing too. I sat back and let this whole thing continue on for month, until one cold winter morning that changed everything for us..."YOU HAVE AN COLLECT CALL FROM TYRELL FROM PRINCE GEORGE"S COUNTY Jail"...huh? I hung up the first time cause I thought I was was dreaming..so he called back and there it was again, the fool had gotten himself locked up again..yep you herd me again...I accepted the call and listened to him speak all this non-sense and if I could contact his hoodrat ass mother and let him know where he was at. For about 6 month I entertained his ass with phone calls and visited running my young and dumb ass up and down the highway to see him every other friday and saturday until...one day it all came to a stand still. His mother called me talking ou the side of her neck about what I knew about his dealing in the street..now first rule of anything dealing with drugs...the hood and so forth never confess to what you really know especially since I knew this bitch knew much more than she would lead you to believe. She yelled i yelled and then she screamed out " it doesn't really matter because you will meet his real girlfriend tomorrow" oh really ma'am his real girlfriend well let's let the meet and greet begin...

Day 30 - Your favorite song this time last summer

I was playing this song hard last summer, especially after seeing him perform it live...Twice lol...Anyway, I think I loved this song so much because I could 100% relate to this and sure most of us can....I've messed up a great friendship by acting on the situation....needless to say we haven't been those great friends we use to be

Day 29 - A song from your childhood

I grew up with much older siblings and my sister was in love with New edition and when she was left home to babysit me she would wear this song out!!! I also grew to love it and to this day I know the words and all the dance steps

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

*sigh* This is the Rihanna that I liked!!!..anyway this some weighs heavy on my heart and every time I hear it the guilt I once felt comes right back. This song came out around the time I was cheating on bf at the time...I'm sure he had an idea but just couldn't catch me....I felt guilty then about it and I still do this day

Day 27 - A song you wish you could play

I've seen alot of people play this song on some type of instrument but I for some reason just can't get it right, so i have given up on it...sorry Jay

Day 26 - A song you can play on an instrument

Back in that day I use to play the flute and still hold a little bit of that talent to this day. One day I was playing around with it and found myself playing this Aaliyah song.... It took my a long time to get it right but now its perfect.

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

In reality this song isn't funny at all but it holds some great memories so every time i hear this song it makes me relive a wild night and I can't help but laugh at all that went down. Maybe it will be a blog coming soon about that.

Day 24 - A song you want to play at you're funeral

I don't think about my funeral often nor what would play but if I could pick a song for my funeral it would be this...IDK why or the purpose maybe because its the name of the song which is the pursuit of happiness and I think we all pursue that in our lives.

Day 23 - A song you want to play at your wedding

The song pretty much sums it all up for me, the point of all the drama, tears, smiles and so forth is because I love you!!! This song played at one of my close friends weddings in June and I knew at that moment that I had to have it at my wedding too!

Day 22 - A song you listen to when you're sad

New Edition....it has to be the slow tempo that makes a sad day even sadder...But whenever i'm sad I find it on youtube and listen to it on repeat!

Day 21 - A song you listen to when you are happy

From the moment I heard this song it brought a smile to my face and made me a huge Burno Mars fan. Now when all is at its best and i'm happy this is the first song I turn to The Lazy song and it adds on to me happiness not to mention that the video also makes me happy!

Day 20 - A song you listen to when you're angry

Oh Kelis, before she took Nas for everything he got!! This song is a good stress reliever and when I'm angry this hits the ipod! The i hate you so much right now chorus is usually how I feel when i'm angry...i might not be hating a person but applies to all situations

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

Miss Thang was one of the first albums I brought on my own, i love this album to this day and this is my favorite song off the cd.....it brings back great memories of the younger years

Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio

ok so i'm a low key Wiz Khalifa fan....and this song is on his mixtape cabin fever...I broke my copy so i can't listen t it but i would love to turn on the radio and hear this instead of black and yellow..plus its featuring Juicy J and who doesn't love Juicy J.

Day 17 - A song you hear often on the radio

The radio always plays anything that DJ Khaled has dropped non stop and right now they are slowly killing I'm on one!! I'm just about sick of it...i do love the fact Drake is on it because I love Drake and was starting to miss him!

Day 16 - A song you use to love now you hate

oh Fab....I love you and once loved this song until the radio killed it. Smdh i swear the radio can take joy out of some great songs by playing them non stop...i once counted them playing this song 15 times in 1 hour. I use to run and do my model walk when this song dropped but now I hit the next button asap

Day 15 - A song that describes you

*sigh* I say to this day the best song that describes me is Heartless...Don't know why...I'm lying I do know why..hey it is what it is *shrugs*

Day 14 - A song no one would expect you to love

Not in a millions years I would expect anyone to think that I love this song....its country music and I'm not into country music at all..until I heard this song by Miranda Lambert!!! I heard it while at Fridays or something before i knew it i was downloading everywhere and singing my heart out to it. and if you have ever been hurt by a past boyfriend you can totally understand this song.

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

I guess this would be my guilty pleasure especially because I never say anything nice about Brandy often. I listen to it when i'm riding alone in the car or cleaning up. I secretly reenact the video no matter where i am at!! lol..don't judge me

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

Deep down inside I'm a rocker and usually love alot of music by many amazing groups but for some reason I just can't get with anything that My Chemical Romance makes...*shrugs*

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

No Doubt is one of my favorite bands although my sister said they are a music group not a band. Anyway, No doubt haven't made a song in years but i still rock their music as if all their stuff is current, I was excited to find out that they are getting back together to music once again....

Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep

I didn't picked this because I don't like it nor is it boring, but whne i thought of songs that make me fall asleep this is the song i use to listen to right before I went to bed in high school. I think its a combo of her voice and tempo that makes me tired. I love this song too!

Day 9 - A song you can dance to

I'm not a Beyonce' fan but I love this song!!!! I put it on every time my friends and I are getting ready to go to the club, we grab our mics which are usually hair brushes and combs and sing our asses off and dance around the room. No matter where I am and this song comes on I can't help but dance to it. *dances*

Day 8 - Song You Know All The Words To

So, I'm a rap head and we can thank me Uncle for that! The first rap song I ever learned was this one, he use to play it everyday right before he let the house of the day. I would lay across his bed and listen to it non stop when he wasn't home and before I never it i was rapping it word from word. It is also one of all time fave rap songs of all time.

Day 7 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

That good ole Kanye, every time I hear Gold digger it brings me back to my cousin wedding and my drunk Uncle giving his toast and say and I quote" well well i can't believe that Brad found himself such a fine women especially since he has that lazy eye...and one thing i do know is she ain't marry you cuz she in love, that heffa got to be marrying you because of that trust granny left you" lmaooooooooo....the dj cued in and guess what song was next in the line up.....you guessed it Kanye"s gold digger....lmaoooooooooooooo

Day 6 - A song that reminds you of somewhere

Philadelphia is all I can think of when i hear this song....lol...its not an amazing place or beautiful place but it holds a couple of memories of hitting 95 with my friend Melissa hoodrat ass boyfriend...smh..we use to use the word "solider" as code name for him when talking about him to others...shout out Philly on this one!

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone

This song came out around the time I lost my friend Roshon, I don't know why but this song instantly made me think of him maybe because it summed up our relationship at the time. Although he is no longer here anymore this song is how i feel about him, there would be no one who would ever get in the way for the way i felt for him....awwwww it kind of made me sad just hearing it....

Day 4 - A song that makes you sad

Aaliyah - I miss you makes me sad for more than 1 reason. The obvious reason being that it reminds me of the death of Aaliyah but also because the first time I ever got my heart broken by my first real boyfriend Moe, I remember this song popping up on the radio as he broke up with me and informed me he was having a baby....I kept this song of reply for month after him...

Day 3 - A song that makes you happy

Just like the first line goes "you make me happy" This song does just that for me!! My Aunt puts on this song every summer at every cookout something about it makes me smile and wanna dance...

Day 2 - Your Least Favorite Song

I absolutely hate this song with all my heart!! and i hate it that Lil Richmond loves it. first i have no idea what he is talking about except for the chorus....* thumbs down*

Day 1 - Your Favorite song

I didn't have to think hard on this one because I have been in love with Tamia and this song from the moment I heard it. I know I was much to young to understand or appreciate the song when I first heard it but once I got older this song touched my heart and now this song is going to be my first dance song if I ever get married. It sums up how i'm gonna feel about the man i marry!

30 Day Music Challenge!!!

So since I have absolutly nothing to blog about I decided to steal this challenge from Starrla Monae and I do love her for it cuz I was worried that I was running out of things to say...which is a first...lol.. so here it is

Feel free to play along!

Day 1-Your favorite song

Day 2-Your least favorite song

Day 3-A song that makes you happy

Day 4-A song that makes you sad

Day 5-A song that reminds you of someone

Day 6-A song that reminds you of somewhere

Day 7-A song that reminds you of a certain event

Day 8-A song that you know all the words to

Day 9-A song that you can dance to

Day 10-A song that makes you fall asleep

Day 11 –A song from your favorite band

Day 12-A song from a band you hate

Day 13-A song that is a guilty pleasure

Day 14-A song that no one would expect you to love

Day 15-A song that describes you

Day 16-A song that you used to love but now hate

Day 17-A song that you hear often on the radio

Day 18-A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Day 19-A song from your favorite album

Day 20-A song that you listen to when you're angry

Day 21-A song that you listen to when you're happy

Day 22-A song that you listen to when you're sad

Day 23-A song that you want to play at your wedding

Day 24-A song that you want to play at your funeral

Day 25-A song that makes you laugh

Day 26-A song that you can play on an instrument

Day 27-A song that you wish you can play

Day 28-A song that makes you feel guilty

Day 29-A song from your childhood

Day 30-Your favorite song at this time last year

Sitting with him for the next couple of hours we never spoke one word about what had went down the nigh before it was all water under he bridge now. He couldn't be ok and that was the biggest matter at hand.

The nurse came in whisked him away to get a cat scan, he was still getting extra help to breath from his oxygen mask...I watched him leave that room and thought to myself that if he didn't return back to normal I didn't know what i would do. Of course we fight, yell, and scream at each other...sometimes spend days not talking but I couldn't image me without him...life moving forward without having him to call upon. We would listen my crazy dreams, agree with me when my friends are wrong, tell me some encouraging when I think all is lost. He is the one who makes it all right when it all is going wrong...the sound of his voice still makes me smile and I still smh listening to some his country boy theories. I sat in that hospital room all alone with my closed fighting back a couple of tears, I silently prayed once again that we would out of this hospital and everything would be fine...

Morning jumped at us fast and he was almost back to normal, cracking jokes here and there...flirting with the nurses *side eye* Everyone cooed over him and I just sat back and watched its been years and years since I ever felt anything close to how I feel about him. I know complain about him alot, give him a hard time but in the end he is the one who makes my heart beat fast, the one has showed me what love was. We really didn't say to much to each other while I was there, a couple of rubs of the hand and a are you ok but never too much, even on the car ride home he sat quietly and I drove. I got him together at home and his mother arrived and I knew that was my cue to head back to dc but before I left he grabbed my arm pulled me in close and whispered in my ear "I Love You Too and I just wasn't ready to leave you yet"

The day before I had called it all off, I was just sick of him and sick of it all...I might have said it all out of anger but who cares I need to make a point and this was the only way to get through. After his response to our break up was just an simple"cool" I knew I needed a break.





I spent most of the night getting woke up every 30 mins by this random number..of course I didn't pick up I thought to myself if it was important they would leave a message but around 8am I gave in and answered it. The call was short and straight to the point..."He's in ICU and you need to come down"...I froze for a couple of seconds just knowing I heard the caller wrong...the familiar voice wasn't usual joking self...I could hear the concern in his voice. I didn't have to think twice nor debate all the yelling and the cussing that went down the day before meant nothing to me now, I just needed to get to him. I grabbed the first of everything I saw stffed it in a bag and trying to make this 2 hour trip a hour trip. I couldn't think anything on my ride there but how what we fight over is so stupid not even worth what was going on right now...I was so wrapped up in if he was ok I bit my nail instead of my stomach and craked the hell out of.


When I finally arrived at the hospital I didn't have enough strength to get out of the car....all of the if's started running through my mind I wanted to cry but instead I prayed that this wasn't our last time together that god would grant him a little bit more time. Seeing him barely breathing and chest moving so fast it brought everything into perspective. I loved him and it was no doubt about it and him not being here anymore....

Thanks Starrla!

*clears throat* Big ups to baby jesus and his daddy for making this possible...special shout out to blogger...I owe you one and last and not least to my girl Starrla Monae...we all we got! and to the hood we doing big things now *drops mic*

RULES:

List 7 random things about yourself, pass the award to 15 bloggers

and answer a couple of questions....

7 Random things about me...

I lie to waiters at restaurants and sat i'm allergic to tomatoes

so they won't put them in my food.

I love animal print especially leopard.

Eyeshadow...i got to have it...and some i never even use.

I hate wearing shoes...I drive barefoot during the spring and summer.

I have picked baby names according to whom i think i'm going to marry..lol

I despise brown liquor..remy, henny, i just can't

I hate pop music....and everything about pop music.

Q and A session

Favorite Color: Purple

Favorite Song: Tamia- Move on my heart

Favorite Dessert: Chocolate lava cake

Biggest Pet Peeve: People who bite their nails...yuuck

When You are Upset, You: Cry and drown my sorrows in candy

Your Favorite Pet: Blue tongue skink

Black or white: Black

Biggest Fear: Being Alone for the rest of my life

Best Feature: My boobs!

Everyday Attitude: I hate to ignored..i listen...you listen

What Is Perfection: I'm stealing Starrla's answer True Love

Guilty Pleasure: Cotton Candy Ice cream and sprinkles.

and the award continues on...

So since most of my bloggers are Starrla's i'm going to do a couple of them...

The Notorious ZAG at BIGG BADD WOLF

K. Rock at DON'T BE EXCITED...IT'S JUST ME

Monique at UNSCRIPTED MUSING

Don't Do It

We all know I have an love/hate relationships with weddings! I love to see black love but it just reminds me that I'm not there yet. Usually, I'm jealous of whomever is getting married and in my head i'm planning out how my wedding would be so much better but not this most recent time. I sat at the wedding of one of my friends and just wanted to scream DON'T DO IT! PLEASE DON'T DO IT!! but of course I didn't just smiled from ear to ear as we walked down the aisle trying not to bust out laughing at my friend Lyssa as she talked about how this was all bad.

I learned at her bridal shower weeks earlier that things aren't always what they seem, she tried to paint their relationship as all honey drops and sweet smelling flowers but I knew the truth. The truth is this marriage was rushed I mean but into overdrive like over night, in February they had just in engaged, she moved in with him and before I knew it she was on my phone telling me the engagement was off and she was coming back home. I knew that they would get back together but I never thought that would mean that the wedding was back on and moved up a whole two years....smh...two years. We sat around the day before her wedding crossing everything that needed to be done off her list when she dropped the bomb on everyone that he had cheated on her. Everyone looked at her waiting for more but she just continues on playing with her phone...he cheated on you and its no big deal is what left my mouth and with that she said yep..i love him we can't change it so i'm moving on past it. Okay with that being said I just knew it was many moons ago when this happened but to my surprise it was just 3 months ago *huge sigh* no one comments when she laid that out for us, we all just stared off into space. After her house cleared out and it was just 4 of us left she finally opened up about it...but all i heard was blah blah blah...have we learned nothing from Jennifer on #BBW has she not taught us that marrying a man who cheats on you right before the wedding is a bad idea?!? cuz the cheating doesn't stop.

I learned along time ago that I never offer my advice when not asked especially when it comes to cheating s/o. Her last words of the night to us was..."I love this man and his kids with all my heart. It was a one time thing and I can forgive him and move on....and I don't to loss him to anyone else so we getting married..PERIOD" so like any other good friend i supported her decision and watched her jump the broom with so many doubts in my mind. Yes i want her to be happy and all that good stuff i just don't want this to come back and bite her in the ass. I don't wanna see her broken like once before and being lost and confused about the situation. Granted maybe that was the one and only time her cheated on her which i doubt and maybe it will never happen again the risk are just too high.

I watched them say I do and a tear fell from my eye...that tear was not my usually i'm so happy for them i wish it was me...that tear was lawd i hope this works out well.....

Happy 2nd Birthday Boo!!!

awwww I almost forgot!!! My boo has turned 2 years old!!1 Who would have known that after 2 years I still would be sometimes pouring my heart out and just randomly talking still to this day! I have been a bad blogger lately and not checking in as often as before but I'm working on that!!!

So as a gift to myself or rather my blog I'm going to take questions to be answered! I know there are alot of silent readers and I want to hear from them.....and of course my regulars and my faves.....so don't be shy drop me a question or two and they will become future blogs post....if don't wanna leave them in the comments email them to me...sunshinestar110@gmail.com


and thanks to everyone who keep reading I surly appreciate it!!!

*pops bottles*

let toast to another great year of love, heartache, happiness, sorrow and foolishness that keeps this thing going!

.....

I was cleaning out my email inbox and ran across this poem that one of my friends Darnell Walker wrote. I remember when I first read it I feel in love with and wondered to myself if I will ever run into a man who will feel this way about me…

So here it is..

You Seem Familiar

It’s you
That future I moved out of the left lane for
Removed the durag that blinded my third
Eye for
To see the kids you always wanted
The yard they’d play in
And the boys the girls would bring
Home that I’d hate with all my heart
They grow up so fast
I grew up too slow
But if I had been grown for them
I wouldn’t have been able to grow with
You
It’s you
I covered tattoos for you and replaced
Them with a name tag
Threw out all my book bags
The day after Christmas
The day after the briefcase and the
Blazers
The slacks and car keys
The bike won’t get me to work on time
And this is something worth working for
I wear loafers now
They don’t support my arch but they
Support the structure you’ve designed
My architect of designs withstanding
Understanding rain is necessary and
This building must be strong
This building must be quake proof
And the seeds will have to wait until
The building can prove itself
To you
I’ve planned wars and left the pen on
The table next to the plans hoping
You’d find them and win
I may not be strong enough to fight
But can carry anything you hand me
I’ll cut the cord but you’d be the first to hold her
You’ve got the whole world in your
Hands
That ring wasn’t placed there for vanity
That baby wasn’t placed there for
Weight
I can only move a block at a time
Gentrify this chess board
You came my way fast
Peacefully
It’s you
The queen strong enough to put
My kids in
The beautiful one sitting beside me on
The train
Hello
It’s nice to meet you

Storytellin' Continues....

My head is now throbbing even more now that I have some unknown man in my bed...that white shirt that nearly broke my neck when I ran to the bathroom had to be his. Oh, I stood there in shock for at 5 minutes before he rolled over …. Now my legs became weak when I saw his face because never in a million years who I think he would be here right now….MY CRUSH FROM MIDDLE AND HIGH SCHOOL! My heart slowed down its pace but we were still confused on the who, what, when, how and why of this whole situation, especially since although we was once great friends I hadn’t seen nor heard from him in almost a year… I had no idea how he got there or why is was there…well one thing is for certain with me not having the answer to a lot of things I do know we had sex because the 2 condom wrappers on the floor was more than enough proof…well at least we was safe right?!? I had clue of what had happened the night before no the slightest idea…I couldn’t tell you if I did some nasty porno shit or if the sex was even worth it, all the alcohol that ran through my system had me on my head.

Once he woke up I tried my hardest not to act weird shit this was the dude I use to day dream about in 4th period while in high school, the same dude that I ran my ass up to this HBCU to see play football and sit around @ 2am in his dorm doing nothing just so I could be around him….and now he is standing in my bedroom naked and I have no idea how or what went on….We went to breakfast and I kept him talking to piece my evening together…apparently, I called him when I left the club, said some outrageous things to him confessed how I have crushed on him since I was 13 and that was all she wrote *hug sigh* Alcohol is the devil! Now I was dreading the moment I would have to take his ass home because he was roommates with one of my friends R.P, whom I wrote about many moons ago and I didn’t want him to see me didn’t want him to know that the crush spent the night with me…..the coast was clear and I made a clean getaway never to talk to my crush again….

And that people was my first and only one night stand I have ever had in my life…..

Storytellin' Time

*takes off shoes* *sitting Indian style on the floor and opens book*

It was one of my friends 25th birthdays and we decided to take ourselves to this new hotel with a club planted on there top floor…we dropped big $$$ to get in then hopped on the all glass elevated headed to the top, made some small talk with some business guys on it and before we knew it VIP was where we was at. The alcohol flowed all night and of course we drank…shot after shot of patron…but whatever else the bartender was serving! Sooooo all is blur from the car ride…which I drove *cover eyes* until my driveway I found myself @ 4:30am sitting in the driveway Indian style picking up everything that I fallen out of my purse smdh…lawd must have been on my side that night cuz anything could have gotten me……

Now lets fast forward…..

I wake up in the morning head pounding and my bladder full, I run to the bathroom and trip over a white shirt…I stop and say “self u wore all black last night where did that comes from?* but of course I paid it no mind and rushed in the bathroom. I come out to just wrap myself in the covers and sleep my life away when I almost shit myself when I see another body laying in my bed… a man’s body at that! My throat goes dry, I can hear my heart beating out of my chest and I can’t breath... who in the hell could this be? I run to the window look outside no car is park out front besides mine so now I’m really in panic mode….I call my friends and they are just as hungover as me and have no clue what happened after I dropped them off….So what in the hell Sunshine?!? Did u pick some random dude up at the gas station and don’t remember….

I Miss He!

I miss him alot...a whole lot...although we are still friends and talk from time to time....we don't have that connection we use to have. I decided awhile back that in order for Lil Richmond and I to really...I mean really work I had to let Bird go.... It was a hard thing to do...not because the sex was GREAT but because he has always been there for me....When I didn't have any friends he was that....when I need someone he has always been that for me. I miss our late night talks about nothing, our inside jokes and our heart felt moments its hard keeping so far away from me. It had to be done though I had to do this I didn't realize how much is was going to hurt me! Someone asked me the other day if I feel this way why don't we just be together? lls I get that often when it comes to him but we could never be we are too much alike for it to ever work and besides I don't think I could ever ever really trust him ever after the having a baby incident....

We still talk but just not like we use to, I know he has noticed that change he even spoke on it once but he also knows that my feeling and heart runs deep for Lil Richmond and this had to be done...he calls we talk....i may call him...we talk and that its no hanging out, no sharing secrets just blah of a convo...

I MISS HIM ALOT!!!! *wipes tear*

Sunshine Day Has Begun!!!!

*strecthes* I was woke up my the rings and dings of my cell phone with my Aunt and God mother trying to be the first to wish me Happy Birthday!!!!! I love those two soooo much they are always the first to remind that today is the day when its all about me and no one else!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...........

I thank god for granting another year of life and another to get better!!! I don't really know what today has in store for me besides lunch with my main squeeze Khaki! *blows kisses* I do know it will be very low key which I'm going to love I use to do make it a big deal but this year not at all just some Sunshine time..... I'll Holla!

........

The first week or so being home wasn't no thing, i kind of enjoyed being able to sleep as late as I wanted and to catch up on all my trashy talk shows but by week 3 I was soooo over it!!! It has drained me....

I got laid off about a month ago *pauses for all the awwww's*. I wasn't too hurt at all, matter of fact I was kind of relieved that it happened, I think people was looking for me to put on this huge act and fall out crying and screaming but in reality its life and it happens. The only thing that did bring a little tear to my eye was knowing that bills are going to keep coming but the money certainly will not. I packed up my little desk said my good bye, promised to stay in contact to whomever was left and headed for the door and I never once looked back. I personally thought I would be a little bit more hurt but I wasn't, I really didn't enjoy my job anyway in fact I felt as if I was wasting my life away by being there I just didn't want to be jobless when I left there. So the sting of being unemployed wore off and I started my days of sitting home. Week 1 I thought it was the best thing ever hell I always screamed I wanted to be a housewife and week 2 was kind of OK too but week 3 I just couldn't take it anymore. I have done everything in my powers to keep me entertained....I mean everything....I flooded myself with homework, cleaned my closest out...twice and read...and I'm still reading! I have come to the conclusion that being at home is just not for me...nope....that housewife dream has been set on fire...I have to be doing something doing the day or I would lose my mind and I have come close to it....I pray every day that someting is going to save me from boredom because after the school work is done and the job search has been completed its just like.....hmmmmmm... whats next? its only so many nap you can take before you are just over that too! I never thought in a million years would say this but I 'm over Maury too!!! smdh....I use to love Maury until you see the same shit every other day.....and the next week and so forth. I know I have drove Lil Richmond and my friends crazy because I keep them talking to me through out the day via bbm, email, or skype...i need some form of contact with the outside world!

I thought to myself one afternoon with hell you could be blogging but to be honest I have absolutely nothing to talk about when you are at home alllllllll day long finding things to write about is the hardest thing ever...currently right now as we speak I probably have 5 or 6 blogs that haven't been complete because I have no desire to do so or after I start to write about them they become boring....real boring....but I do miss you guys with all my blog heart! In bet ween my job search I have promised myself I'm gonna do a blog a week *sigh* yeah we shall see how that goes....

Throwback Thursday

10th grade I believe....

This was during i refuse ti smile in pictures phase and when I was sooooo

wrapped up in dog that i couldn't even see straight he had me wide open!

I look at this picture and wonder what was going through my head around that time

Was i getting myself prepared for what would happen later which i remember clear as day what happened after school and this was the day I had to learn how to use make y up to cover bruises....

Throwback Thursday

*covers eyes* Middle School! lawd have mercy look how young all of us look in the picture!

My memory of this day is blurred but i believe it was the day after 8th graduation and our picnic..This was back in the day when we thought it was cute to pose like that! lol...i often wonder whtaever happened to one of the boys in this pic because i know where everyone else is

I'm Joining Match.Com!

"If this thing doesn't work, I'm joining match.com!" I keep trying to tellmy friends this and each and everytime they laugh me out as if its a joke....*straight face* I said a million times and I will say it again....If Lil Richmond and I don't work I'm joinign match.com....I'm getting too old for this cat and mouse game. Things with Lil Richmond and I haven't been too great at all it was like one day I woke up and shit just changed...hell he just changed on me. I still do the same things I was doing 6 months ago concerning him but for some reason something between the two of us just isn't right. Before I decided to make any drastic moves I pulled together my dream team and discussed the issues that lie between us and of course all of them including my life manager suggest me to talk about these issues with him before I made any drastic moves and later regretted it.........For once in my life I took their advice and did what I was advised and....may be for a week things changed but then it was back to the old him....the him i don't think i like too much. I can't put my finger on it but something just isn't right with him i don't know if its the new found pressure at work or the fact that I think he is entertaining his daughter's mother in his spare time...but my spidey sense is going off left and right i just can't pen out point why or how. I do almost everything in my power to keep our relationship afloat but i can't carry all the weight on just my shoulders, sometimes I feel as if i do all the work and he does nothing...nothing at all. I don't think I ask him for too much, i try to be the one woman in his life that he oesn't have to take of like all the others...maybe a phone call here and there a visit once or twice a month but its like pulling teeth with him lately, sometimes i feel as if I'm chasing him and chile, the only thing that Sunshine chases is alcohol not men! not ever.

I had to ask myself a few days ago was this even worth is? do i even want to do this anymore? and to be honest i have no idea....one part of me wants to cut him off complete and move on with whatever i want to do but the other half of me the part who loves him to deaths wants this to work itself out. I'm definitely at an fork in the road with him and I, I'm not getting any younger and sticking around for something that may never be is not really on my to do list at all. It breaks my heart to even think about cutting all ties with him and starting over with him and starting over with someone else...I hate change and i hate starting over...but things aren't looking up for us at all. I have watched week after week pass this month and week after week there has been no change in anything we have going on right now.....I've a year and some change into this relationship and if this ends I'm taking a new route and off to match.com it is to find my prince charming via the internet......